Last stretch

2 more papers to go! Spent 2 hours this morning in the exam hall regurgitating all the knowledge that I accumulated for the past few days. Now I'm too lazy tired to study right now and I can't think of any other way to procrastinate, and thus, I'm here. I actually ran out of entertaining things to do that even procrastinating becomes a bore. Sigh.

The paper on Tuesday would be one of the more challenging papers I have, and I should really put in my all in the next 3 days since it's the last ever paper that I'll be cramming for. Well there's also the very last paper, but that's pretty doable in comparison.

Don't know why part of me still has that little hope of getting a first class for my degree, when in reality it's very, very unlikely. Hoping some miracle would happen and I would somehow, miraculously achieve the bare minimum for a first, hah.

I should probably start throwing out stuff that I won't be keeping after my paper next Tuesday, since I'll be spending a lot of time travelling around. Did I mention that on top of Krakow, Rome, Naples and Istanbul, I'll be visiting Slovenia too?

As much as I want to stay put, I don't see how is it possible now that I've filled up all the free time that could be spent job hunting on travelling instead. I guess I don't want it bad enough. As much as I admire chefs that work their asses off at the very beginning of their careers, barely affording to survive, I guess I'm not tough enough to be that kind of a person.

I guess I should just head back home and figure out my next step then.

Can't wait to replay Final Fantasy X for the third time. Words can't describe how amazing that game is to me.

I'm bored, gah.

-Kritz

Happy Mother's Day?

My previous post could not have been posted at a worse time. I can't say that I was surprised to see a comment from her on that post, since it is Mother's Day and I did write a post dedicated to her last year.

If I hurt your feelings, mom, then I'm apologise. But what's said has been said, and I do not feel the need to take my words back. In fact, I'm kind of glad that you guys read it anyway.

It's hard to feel anything on the day where we all learn what everyone's mom look like thanks to Facebook. I've been away from home for far too long. Instead of making a lovely brunch for my mother, or treating her to a fancy dinner, I had to study for exams which start tomorrow (which is also what I should be doing right now), 10,000km away from home.

Despite technological progress and the existence of Skype and Whatsapp, nothing could really come close to actually talking face-to-face.

I'm also guilty for not knowing how to reciprocate affectionate messages from my mom. I just hope you know that I love you and I can't wait for us to spend some long overdue time together.

-Kritz

I want out

Well, plan A failed. I still wanna stay here, or anywhere around here really, or maybe just away from home, but having no specific skillset to offer is kinda hindering my prospects. The thought of going home seems to be less and less appealing as the days draw nearer and nearer to the inevitable.

For some reason, the brief Skype session with my parents today irked me a lot. It usually doesn't. It usually makes me miss them a little. They seem to be on top of their game today at getting on my nerves.

At the risk of sounding like an angsty teenager, they really do not understand anything regarding my current being. Not that I expect them to, but it's just annoying when anything I say pretty much just falls on deaf ears. I don't even know why I initiated that Skype session.

No mom, getting 95% for my exam is not feasible, at all. Anything more than a 70% is a first class and it's more than enough. This isn't high school. Heck, most people don't even score 95% for anything at any age.

No mom, I don't want to go to church. I don't want to go to church here, I don't want to go to church when I go back home either. How many times do I have to repeat that? I don't recall being Hozier and singing for someone to take me to church.

No dad, despite dropping and taking different modules, none of my modules are anywhere near easy or "a piece of cake". Did you see that stack of material I have to understand by heart to do well for my papers? Do you think this is some walk in the park?

Yes dad, I know hitting the gym lifting weights would improve my appearance, but I really can't be arsed right now and bringing that up every now and then serves no bloody purpose other than to irritate me. Where were you before I left home and lost 40 kilos anyway?

I should've just let them travel with a tour group. That would've saved me a lot of time and from feeling unappreciated for putting so much thought and consideration into trying to provide a great experience.

And no, providing such a good opportunity to study overseas doesn't cancel out my rights to be irritated by irritating behaviour. I'm grateful, but still human.

-Kritz

Opportunity of a lifetime

I am now this close to getting a job in one of the Big 4's in the UK. On Tuesday, I'll be attending the assessment centre, i.e. the 5th stage of the application process, which could either be the penultimate stage or the final stage itself.

The thought of having the next 3 years of my life decided by the outcome of this assessment centre is eating me up. Last Thursday, while procrastinating, I saw a tweet advertising several openings they still had for graduates. I then went on to fill in the application form, do the situational judgment test and the technical assessment. The very next day, I got an email saying that I was through to the 4th stage, the competency-based phone interview.

Already then I was starting to picture the next three years of my life living in a place with four seasons, which I don't really mind, instead of the hot and humid that I've yet to be accustomed to despite spending having spent 20 years toughening my skin up. The desire to get this position then amplified itself by tenfold an hour after the 45-minute phone interview, when I received another email congratulating me on getting through to the next stage.

If only wanting it so bad could somehow be one of the assessed criteria, then I'd have a better chance. I guess that would equate to doing an immense amount of research and proving to them that I really want it.

I've had jobs before. I'd like to believe that I'm competent enough to get this job.

I cannot even imagine how depressed I'll be if I fail to get this.

-Kritz

Ending it all

A girl that lived right opposite my friend's room on campus committed suicide recently. Although I've never even seen this girl before, it's still scary to know that someone that's one mutual friend away decided to end her misery in the most extreme way possible.

Apparently she hated law school, and coupled with family issues she decided that she's had enough when spending her Easter break at home. My friend said no one in that flat likes to hang around much now, especially with the flowers in front of her room, her stuff in the kitchen, a constant reminder of the tragic incident.

My friend also told me that one of her closest friends recently had a huge argument with her before they separated to go home for the break. Now he has been seen just sitting there, staring at the door of the room that his friend once occupied.

I can't help but feel slightly affected by all this, even though I've never stepped foot in his flat, or even seen any of the people involved. I cannot possibly imagine being in a state of mind that would warrant such a drastic measure. I cannot imagine the gaping void left behind, like a crack in the seabed that sucks in large amounts of water and violently thrusts it back out.

It's just depressing to know that someone could be so let down by everything that they would even consider suicide.

-Kritz

Next steps

It just occurred to me how stark the difference was between a recent interview for a graduate job position and the interview I had last year for my summer internship.

For my previous internship, the three panelists seemed eager to talk to me. It was a great experience for me too because I genuinely cared about what the internship entailed (well, a little) and was able to voice my thoughts on what could be done for the project. I left that interview feeling positive and thought of how sad I would be if I wasn't offered that internship.

For the graduate job position, it wasn't anywhere near. There wasn't much of a connection. I felt as if I wasn't really suited for them and they probably felt the same about me too. I would probably get over the likely rejection pretty quick, or at least I hope I would.

I wonder what would I be doing a few months from now. Don't think my near future has ever had this much uncertainty. For the past 20 years or so, it was pretty much just moving from one stage of education to another. This really is the end of an era. It's exciting and daunting at the same time. I'm not worried, or at least not yet, but it's like the next chapter of a book that I can't wait to start. So much so, I just feel like rushing through the end of this one.

Everyone's ahead of the game, having their post-graduation plans all figured out. Well, good for them. I just want some time to do some soul-searching -- and by that I mean looking into career choices and not sitting on my arse all day -- and hopefully make the right choices.

I guess I've always been an instinctive person, and my instincts are telling me not to rush into things. Wouldn't it be funny if they offered me the job and I took it anyway?

-Kritz

Last time?

This time of the year for the past 2 years (and also this year) have been incredibly miserable. With the onslaught of summer exams waiting for me to prepare for, it's utterly depressing. So much so, that I usually end up wasting time just sitting around, doing nothing. It's like a vicious wage-price spiral, the one where inflation causes the people to demand for higher wages, and higher wages push good prices up, leading to more inflation. In this case, the number of accumulated work increases, the lower the motivation to get any work done, and hence more work accumulates. 

Sure, it's easy to brush me off as being whiny and lazy. I agree, I can be incredibly whiny and lazy (especially on my blog), but it just brings me so much disutility to actually get on with my work, especially during this period of the year. During term time, I have no issues putting aside distractions to finish off my assignments or study for my tests, or at least a lot less of a problem. I don't know what is it of the holidays that makes me so reluctant to get things done. Maybe I shouldn't have travelled, and sustained my term-time-mood.

On the bright side, it's the very last time I'll be dealing with this crap. Two months from now, I'll have finished my exams and (hopefully) be doing more research on my first ever solo trip to Italy. What's the next thing in life that would make me utterly miserable? We shall wait and see.

It's so hard to whine to my friends about this without worrying at the back of my head that they are judging me for it. I guess I shouldn't care. I guess I'm just hoping that by writing it out, I could get it out of my system. I guess it also doesn't help that whatever that I have to study is extremely off-putting and unappealing. I guess that's just part of life, doing stuff that you don't want to do.

Another unproductive day went by. I don't have many days left to afford to be unproductive. In fact, I could've said the same thing a week ago and it still would hold true. Doesn't stop me from wasting my days, however. At least I somehow managed to survive the past two years. Let's hope I survive the last. 

-Kritz