A developing epiphany

So I was watching some michelin-starred chefs (which are vastly different from celebrity chefs) talking about their food and it suddenly occurred to me why I've been admiring people who cook, bake, write or entertain for a living. At least partially.

People who are successful in these fields often have their own philosophies, which arise from a lot of introspection. These people seem to me very much in touch with their inner feelings and thoughts, which makes them unique. It's probably unfair to say successful corporate-type people do not have such qualities, but at least it seems to be the case from my perspective. Save for maybe a few famous personalities, most senior managers seem to be just making one decision from another with much "free will".

I was listening to a philosophy podcast the other day regarding the definition free will. One could argue whether when given the circumstances that lead us to choose one decision over another, does it still mean we have free will? So one person gave an example of being offered 100 pounds to stroke a huge, hairy spider. As much as that arachnophobic person wants the additional money, he can't possibly bring himself to touch it.

Anyway, my point was that if a day-to-day responsibility of a senior manager is to make decisions based on a very limited set of options, there isn't much introspection required, there's no inner soul to channel.

I don't know where I'm going with this, but I need to stop writing and start studying for the exam I have in 5 days.

My first traffic offence

So I was on my way to a friend's birthday party in some posh rented apartment in the centre of KL, with the help of my GPS. Made a left turn that I guess I wasn't supposed to despite being instructed by my GPS and immediately got flagged down by a traffic officer.

It was a trap!

He was condescending as hell, but I guess there's no crime in being condescending.

I'm still slightly annoyed by the whole incident. I wouldn't be so bothered about it if I were caught speeding or going through a red light, at least then I knew I was doing something wrong.

Stupid confusing KL roads.

Obligation

These moral obligations that are slowly eroding my being is getting on my nerves. How many more of these annoyingly unpleasant things do I have to fulfil? Already I have very little satisfaction and happiness in life and I still have to be bothered with this crap? *flips desk*

More problems

Apparently my scalp is pretty effed up too. I don't really know why I refrain from typing the f-word. Maybe it's because my mom might read this ...

Anyway, yeah. As if I don't have enough physical issues. FTS, really. Where's that cure-all machine in Elysium?

October post

Dear Diary,

Today's one of those days. I've been mentally keeping track of one of those "it's been x days since y" counters and now it's back to zero. Hooray.

I need to stop being so apologetic about being all woe-is-me on a platform that virtually no one reads. Yeah, you know what Diary, imma say whatever I want.

I wish I was more average, at least grades wise. I mean, what's the point of having good grades if you're not spectacular in any other way? I feel like I'm caught in between this limbo of having decent enough grades that people expect something out of me and being not special enough to stand out from the crowd. When I say people expect something, I mean at least getting a job in some big company, not necessarily a high-flying investment banker gig.

Wouldn't it be so much better to just start out small and be more pleasantly surprised when success occurs? At least in that case, being mediocre for the rest of my life doesn't seem that bad of an outcome. Why can't I just suck at school, realise I kinda have a thing for food and start working hard towards that direction? Now, I get the opportunity to be a prime example of the Chinese saying about smart kids not necessarily becoming successful adults (小时了了，大未必佳).

Screw those adults that says kids these days are picky about their jobs. If I hadn't spend a fortune on education, I probably wouldn't care. Besides, it's them who made everything so bloody expensive these days. I don't even know why do I care, I'm not even looking for a job yet.

I'm honestly sick of being so depressed at times. It's not as if I could help it. Do you think I would choose to feel this way if I had a choice? Is that why depression isn't a thing and psychiatrists are essentially worthless? Is it that bad that I want to at least have a job that won't make me feel so depressed, after spending three years of periodically feeling like crap while simultaneously enjoying the freedom of living independently?

Although I would never kill myself, dying doesn't seem that bad sometimes. The highs don't feel sufficient enough to compensate for the lows.

Denial

Came across this post on reddit written by a cancer patient. It was about him finding out he didn't have much time to live, and proceeded to advise everyone to not waste time doing stuff they didn't like.

I immediately closed that tab, not wanting to open up that part of me again.

In all honestly, whatever career path I've been looking at has been mainly focussed on the potential of making more money. I've reached a point where my mentality is "if I'm not going to do anything I like, might as well do something that makes more money".

Sometimes, I wish there was a restart button.

A visit to the nursing home

"What plans do you have today?"

"Don't think I have any, why?"

"We're going to visit your uncle."

My father's eldest brother has been paralysed for many years as a result of a stroke. Since then, he has been in a nursing home, wheelchair-bound, unable to utter a single word and only communicate exclusively using a variation of sounds and single-handed hand gestures. 

Upon our arrival, my uncle was seen sitting in the front porch of the nursing home, staring through the gates as if he knew that my dad was coming. The sad reality is that he probably was waiting for my dad, knowing that he would visit about once a month. The only thing we don't know is how often he does that.

My dad had to tell him straight away that he won't be bringing my uncle out today. You could almost see the disappointment in my uncle's eyes. He even had his going-out-slippers on. 

The rest of the patients were in the living room, consumed by whatever that was on the TV. Come to think of it, that would probably be a better option than waiting.

We sat around the table in the porch and my dad started talking to him while he had the KFC that my dad bought. It's a good thing my dad's pretty talkative in nature, since the conversation consists of him talking and my uncle just reacting to whatever he says. With my mom around, it was vaguely reminiscent of the days when our whole family actually had reunion dinners together with the conversation of family and relatives.

I respect my dad a lot, because other people in his shoes probably wouldn't do the same. My uncle wasn't particularly helpful back when my dad just got to the city. If anything, him and his wife were pretty condescending as they were pretty well-to-do, whereas my dad was the poor younger brother he had. My dad would go on and on about how his eldest brother did not even bother to call him up to see whether he was alive. I could only imagine how much heartache he must have felt.

Now, my uncle could only shake his head when asked whether his ex-wife or his kids visited him. Somewhere throughout the conversation, he did express that his son hasn't visited him for about a month, which was actually better than what we had expected. My mom would keep saying that it's the children's responsibility to take care of their father, but you can't really expect that of people in this day and age, regardless of how much you think it is the right thing to do. 

We left after several hours and the only thing he could do is wait patiently for the next visit.