I was looking at the programme for the annual International Conference of Undergraduate Research 2014 and went through several profiles of the participants. It's admirable to see people in the same position as I am having strong sense of direction. I can't possibly imagine being interested enough in something to actually dedicate months to do research on it. It's admirable, but not something I aspire to at this point of time. I wonder what is it that could make me tick? Being not excited for anything is kinda annoying.
Also, contact me personally if you're interested to look at a journal of my trip to Morocco :D (possibly only talking to an audience of 2)
Showing posts with label Thoughts and Feelings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Thoughts and Feelings. Show all posts
September 4, 2014
August 5, 2014
Growing Up
I woke up today with the strongest feeling of homesickness ever. I never knew I could feel homesick. I felt absolutely fine the very first time I left for the UK. Felt like whatsapping my parents (yes, we have a group) that I miss them, but then again I don't want to make them worry or cause them unnecessary sadness ...
The thought of having to leave my parents, grow up and be an adult scares me. Evidently, I'm not going through this transitional phase well at all. I have one more year till I graduate. Everyone has been telling me to stay in the UK and not go back to Malaysia, but I don't think I'll ever feel like I fit in here. I guess most people just don't care about these things, but I somehow can't. It just doesn't feel right.
For some reason, my brain abhors work that requires thinking. Or maybe it's the uncertainty? I don't know. Maybe I just haven't found the one thing that excites me enough to overlook that. For now, I just want something that could make me go into autopilot and not give my brain the chance to develop all these reasons to be depressed.
Or maybe I am depressed?
Was playing Vice City for the past few days. It was sweet, sweet escapism. Is that why adults spend their free time watching TV shows? Is that what I'll eventually be? An adult that works for the sake of survival and spends every other waking moment numbing the dull pain by consuming entertainment?
I guess I don't really have a problem with that. Never wanted to be rich and successful anyway, just wanted to be well-to-do enough and have enough free time to spend rolling around in bed and just browsing the internet for laughs and giggles. How pathetic is that? All I could think of is whether I would find spending long hours in the kitchen of the restaurant somewhat satisfying. Stupid brain.
A few people that I've met so far in my work have asked me whether am I excited for my project. I guess I was, but not really anymore. I just hate how my feelings sway back and forth. Well, put on a façade, say "yes" and hope that things will be better I guess.
Maybe I have some deep-seated issue that I have yet to face. I'm not exactly suicidal ... yet I don't understand why I do not anticipate tomorrow. Can I fast forward this excruciating phase now?
The thought of having to leave my parents, grow up and be an adult scares me. Evidently, I'm not going through this transitional phase well at all. I have one more year till I graduate. Everyone has been telling me to stay in the UK and not go back to Malaysia, but I don't think I'll ever feel like I fit in here. I guess most people just don't care about these things, but I somehow can't. It just doesn't feel right.
For some reason, my brain abhors work that requires thinking. Or maybe it's the uncertainty? I don't know. Maybe I just haven't found the one thing that excites me enough to overlook that. For now, I just want something that could make me go into autopilot and not give my brain the chance to develop all these reasons to be depressed.
Or maybe I am depressed?
Was playing Vice City for the past few days. It was sweet, sweet escapism. Is that why adults spend their free time watching TV shows? Is that what I'll eventually be? An adult that works for the sake of survival and spends every other waking moment numbing the dull pain by consuming entertainment?
I guess I don't really have a problem with that. Never wanted to be rich and successful anyway, just wanted to be well-to-do enough and have enough free time to spend rolling around in bed and just browsing the internet for laughs and giggles. How pathetic is that? All I could think of is whether I would find spending long hours in the kitchen of the restaurant somewhat satisfying. Stupid brain.
A few people that I've met so far in my work have asked me whether am I excited for my project. I guess I was, but not really anymore. I just hate how my feelings sway back and forth. Well, put on a façade, say "yes" and hope that things will be better I guess.
Maybe I have some deep-seated issue that I have yet to face. I'm not exactly suicidal ... yet I don't understand why I do not anticipate tomorrow. Can I fast forward this excruciating phase now?
-Kritz
February 16, 2014
Of arias and different milestones.
Went to watch Phantom of the Opera on Wednesday. Form 3 me (I'm guessing that was when we read the super abridged version of it) would be pretty satisfied.
It was great. Emotional and powerful and goosebump-inducing. I sat at the very front row, which was ... surprisingly pleasant. Not the best seats in the house, but I guess better than having to use a pair of binoculars. I even took pictures of the chandelier despite being yelled at by the staff repeatedly not to take pictures. To my defense, it was the intermission and I didn't interrupt anyone. Also, if I sat up straight, I could peer down into that ... pit where the orchestra is. (Looked it up, it's called orchestra pit! *pumps fist*)
Didn't like some parts where I couldn't hear what the singers were singing over the music from the orchestra. Wish I knew the lyrics to the songs. Also, I find it hard to pick out words from arias (the part where a female sings in a very high pitch in operas ... at least that's what I think they call them). That's probably just me though.
Hope I get to see Wicked or Les Miserables or anything interesting soon.
This autobiography I'm reading seems to be giving me a lot of things to think about. Although being a successful actor is amazing, the journey towards it isn't easy at all. For actors (by that I mean male actors ... a little redundant maybe I just wanted to specify the gender), they normally peak at their late thirties or even later. All the serious roles require a mature actor, most of the time at the age of 40 to 55. That means that most of them are virtually unknown by the public for the entire period of time before that. Okay, maybe not unknown, but just minor roles and not enough to bump them to the A-list. To top it off, some actors may live their entire lives without getting a big break. I guess one should think of actors as people who act, not just the ones that are really famous ... It probably sucks to go to parties and have to answer the what-do-you-do-for-a-living question with "actor".
Everyone else on the other hand chooses the safest route. Work in a company, climb the corporate ladder, be rich or whatever. Oh you're working a bank? Good for you. The opportunities are vast. I don't know why is sickens me. I'm not condemning people who take that path ... I just wish I didn't.
I guess I took the road where the leaves have been trodden black. Not saying I would've gone off to be an actor ... but you get what I mean (there are many less travelled paths). Hopefully when I'm at 40 or 50, when I'm telling my story with a sigh, it would be a sigh of relief and not a sigh of despair arising from the desire of wanting to take the other path back when I was in the yellow wood. I kinda miss English literature classes now :(
It's so hard to fathom the fact that I'm not halfway to the age where people start looking back. There was this bit by Louis CK (I think) about how the media portrayed youth as being so coveted and desirable, when the truth is that maturity and experience that comes with age are the things that matter ultimately. Also, I can't just sit here and wait till I'm 40 to be able to tell my story, I have to actually work towards shaping the person I want to be for FORTY YEARS. Holy crap. How do actors toil through 20 years of just being an actor that wouldn't get noticed on the streets? Watching the musical gave me the same thought as well: how does it feel to be in the industry for decades without a leading role? Will immense passion or love for theatre make it all okay?
All this senseless ramblings aren't helping me at all. In fact, it kinda inhibits me from doing my best in the path that I've chosen/I'm stuck in. Also, I think a lot of my posts for the last year or so have been lingering around the same theme. Either my brain is crying for a change or I'm just way too whiny. Or both. Or just the latter.
It was great. Emotional and powerful and goosebump-inducing. I sat at the very front row, which was ... surprisingly pleasant. Not the best seats in the house, but I guess better than having to use a pair of binoculars. I even took pictures of the chandelier despite being yelled at by the staff repeatedly not to take pictures. To my defense, it was the intermission and I didn't interrupt anyone. Also, if I sat up straight, I could peer down into that ... pit where the orchestra is. (Looked it up, it's called orchestra pit! *pumps fist*)
Didn't like some parts where I couldn't hear what the singers were singing over the music from the orchestra. Wish I knew the lyrics to the songs. Also, I find it hard to pick out words from arias (the part where a female sings in a very high pitch in operas ... at least that's what I think they call them). That's probably just me though.
Hope I get to see Wicked or Les Miserables or anything interesting soon.
* * *
Everyone else on the other hand chooses the safest route. Work in a company, climb the corporate ladder, be rich or whatever. Oh you're working a bank? Good for you. The opportunities are vast. I don't know why is sickens me. I'm not condemning people who take that path ... I just wish I didn't.
I guess I took the road where the leaves have been trodden black. Not saying I would've gone off to be an actor ... but you get what I mean (there are many less travelled paths). Hopefully when I'm at 40 or 50, when I'm telling my story with a sigh, it would be a sigh of relief and not a sigh of despair arising from the desire of wanting to take the other path back when I was in the yellow wood. I kinda miss English literature classes now :(
It's so hard to fathom the fact that I'm not halfway to the age where people start looking back. There was this bit by Louis CK (I think) about how the media portrayed youth as being so coveted and desirable, when the truth is that maturity and experience that comes with age are the things that matter ultimately. Also, I can't just sit here and wait till I'm 40 to be able to tell my story, I have to actually work towards shaping the person I want to be for FORTY YEARS. Holy crap. How do actors toil through 20 years of just being an actor that wouldn't get noticed on the streets? Watching the musical gave me the same thought as well: how does it feel to be in the industry for decades without a leading role? Will immense passion or love for theatre make it all okay?
All this senseless ramblings aren't helping me at all. In fact, it kinda inhibits me from doing my best in the path that I've chosen/I'm stuck in. Also, I think a lot of my posts for the last year or so have been lingering around the same theme. Either my brain is crying for a change or I'm just way too whiny. Or both. Or just the latter.
-Kritz
February 9, 2014
Random anecdote
I've been reading an autobiography of some actor and found it amazing how he could describe incidents that happened when he was a kid so vividly. Sure, I guess the writing process wouldn't be easy, but it seems like a nice journey through time to be able to revive all the deep-seated memories. Maybe he really does have an ESTB?
Anyway, thought I might give it a go as well, trying to recall some childhood anecdote or something.
When Pokemon first came out, I was obsessed with the TV show. Really obsessed. If I'm not mistaken, it used to air on a local TV channel called NTV7 on weekends. Of course, this was back in the day of dial-ups, and not the era of torrent-everything-with-high-speed-Internet we live in now. Besides, I was way too young to be torrenting stuff anyway. Have you seen the ads on the side of torrent sites?
I remember the paroxysms of glee (my attempt of trying to incorporate new vocabulary into my 'writing', though it may seem more like blatant plagiarism ...) when Pokemon would come on the TV. It was a big deal back then, even though the episodes are short and the commercials between parts are obscenely long. I believe the feeling of how fast time passes is relative to a person's age. A year would feel longer for a 5-year-old child than for a 40-year-old adult (I went from man to man/woman and came to a conclusion of using the non-gender specific term 'adult' ... just thought you should know) since the time in consideration is only a smaller fraction of his or her entire life span up till the present.
That whole bit about time is a little overkill ... but I'll leave it there.
Anyway, I always had this lingering memory of me waiting to watch Pokemon when I went to my uncle's place for the weekend. I wouldn't be allowed to watch Pokemon downstairs since I'm a kid (how discriminatory?) and had to depend on the TV upstairs that functions archaically. Pretty sure we had Astro then, which I believe is what Americans call "cable". The one upstairs, however, still relies on ... the thing that's opposed to cable (can't be arsed to do more research, since this isn't really my autobiography now, is it?).
So I would try my best to be in front of the TV (as if kids have any say in where they could be at a specific time), ignoring the calls for dinner (oh god my vocabulary) which was deemed extremely rude just to watch Pokemon. I always resented how kids that do not attend to the requests of adults immediately were portrayed as kids with bad behaviour. I think we had moral education classes back in primary school where we had to choose the "morally correct" behaviour with questions like "Tim's mom called him to take out the trash when he was playing his Gameboy, what should he do?". Are you sending me to hell because I disobeyed my parents on such a minor issue? Doubt so. Then again, does hell really exist? Then again, moral education didn't mention hell at all, being not religious and all. Do I have ADHD?
Holy crap, look at the amount of digression.
There are days where I went though hell (rushing home, ignoring adults and risk being called disobedient) just to sit in front of the TV, only to realise that the TV channel decide to cancel Pokemon and replace it with something else that kids wouldn't give a damn about. It was utterly devastating. I could still feel how disappointed and angry and miserable I felt back then. It was devastating.
Actually, I think I still feel the same way when Modern Family decides to skip a week or two.
Holy crap, this thought journey made me realise I'm not exactly different from little me. Should I be alarmed?
ps. Frozen was not bad. The Railway Man was amazing.
Anyway, thought I might give it a go as well, trying to recall some childhood anecdote or something.
When Pokemon first came out, I was obsessed with the TV show. Really obsessed. If I'm not mistaken, it used to air on a local TV channel called NTV7 on weekends. Of course, this was back in the day of dial-ups, and not the era of torrent-everything-with-high-speed-Internet we live in now. Besides, I was way too young to be torrenting stuff anyway. Have you seen the ads on the side of torrent sites?
I remember the paroxysms of glee (my attempt of trying to incorporate new vocabulary into my 'writing', though it may seem more like blatant plagiarism ...) when Pokemon would come on the TV. It was a big deal back then, even though the episodes are short and the commercials between parts are obscenely long. I believe the feeling of how fast time passes is relative to a person's age. A year would feel longer for a 5-year-old child than for a 40-year-old adult (I went from man to man/woman and came to a conclusion of using the non-gender specific term 'adult' ... just thought you should know) since the time in consideration is only a smaller fraction of his or her entire life span up till the present.
That whole bit about time is a little overkill ... but I'll leave it there.
Anyway, I always had this lingering memory of me waiting to watch Pokemon when I went to my uncle's place for the weekend. I wouldn't be allowed to watch Pokemon downstairs since I'm a kid (how discriminatory?) and had to depend on the TV upstairs that functions archaically. Pretty sure we had Astro then, which I believe is what Americans call "cable". The one upstairs, however, still relies on ... the thing that's opposed to cable (can't be arsed to do more research, since this isn't really my autobiography now, is it?).
So I would try my best to be in front of the TV (as if kids have any say in where they could be at a specific time), ignoring the calls for dinner (oh god my vocabulary) which was deemed extremely rude just to watch Pokemon. I always resented how kids that do not attend to the requests of adults immediately were portrayed as kids with bad behaviour. I think we had moral education classes back in primary school where we had to choose the "morally correct" behaviour with questions like "Tim's mom called him to take out the trash when he was playing his Gameboy, what should he do?". Are you sending me to hell because I disobeyed my parents on such a minor issue? Doubt so. Then again, does hell really exist? Then again, moral education didn't mention hell at all, being not religious and all. Do I have ADHD?
Holy crap, look at the amount of digression.
There are days where I went though hell (rushing home, ignoring adults and risk being called disobedient) just to sit in front of the TV, only to realise that the TV channel decide to cancel Pokemon and replace it with something else that kids wouldn't give a damn about. It was utterly devastating. I could still feel how disappointed and angry and miserable I felt back then. It was devastating.
Actually, I think I still feel the same way when Modern Family decides to skip a week or two.
Holy crap, this thought journey made me realise I'm not exactly different from little me. Should I be alarmed?
ps. Frozen was not bad. The Railway Man was amazing.
-Kritz
February 3, 2014
The painful nightmare of being ordinary
It's Sunday night and I was just lying on the bed reading about one of my new 'obsessions'. Always wished I documented all my obsessions over the past. Would be interesting to look back at it.
I always find it interesting to read the "Early Life" section of the Wikipedia page of the people admire. Makes me wonder what life was like for them way before they "made it", or before they were worthy of having a comprehensive Wikipedia page written about them. Makes me wonder what life would be like for me when I reach the peak of it, what my Wikipedia page would be like (assuming everyone has one, not just the famous ones).
I wouldn't say earning big bucks is being successful in life -- although many would say the same, I doubt they actually think that way. Right now, I think I would be satisfied if I were to grow into a person I would admire; someone who is somewhat knowledgeable, interesting, articulate, presentable ...
I guess no one really grows up to be someone with a Wikipedia page, they just do whatever they think they should do and strive to be the best at it, and eventually become who they are now.
Then again, my opinions on this might be a little biased since only famous people have Wikipedia pages. Maybe I subconsciously want to be famous too? Where exactly am I going with this ... ?
I always find it interesting to read the "Early Life" section of the Wikipedia page of the people admire. Makes me wonder what life was like for them way before they "made it", or before they were worthy of having a comprehensive Wikipedia page written about them. Makes me wonder what life would be like for me when I reach the peak of it, what my Wikipedia page would be like (assuming everyone has one, not just the famous ones).
I wouldn't say earning big bucks is being successful in life -- although many would say the same, I doubt they actually think that way. Right now, I think I would be satisfied if I were to grow into a person I would admire; someone who is somewhat knowledgeable, interesting, articulate, presentable ...
I guess no one really grows up to be someone with a Wikipedia page, they just do whatever they think they should do and strive to be the best at it, and eventually become who they are now.
Then again, my opinions on this might be a little biased since only famous people have Wikipedia pages. Maybe I subconsciously want to be famous too? Where exactly am I going with this ... ?
-Kritz
January 4, 2014
2014
It has been a long time.
Way too long.
Once again, I'm here, in front of my computer, procrastinating. It's like being stuck in a vicious cycle, like a kid growing up in a poor family, lacking the opportunities to equip themselves with whatever it takes to make it in the society, thrusting them further down into the depths of poverty and hardship ... except there's no cycle here -- it's just me being lazy time after time. I'm surprised I'm still in this course. For some reason, I keep anticipating my impending doom every time a deadline comes up, like in a movie, where this one specific incident changes the main character's entire life ... but nothing really happens. For some reason, I fantasise about failing this exam I'm about to take and end up having to decide whether to repeat an entire year or waste a huge chunk of my father's life savings, disappointing not only my parents but also relatives and teachers that have always considered me one of the smarter ones.
Sometimes, I fantasise being in a plane crash. Well, only sometimes mainly because I don't fly every day. So just the times I'm on the plane ...
Up till now, I don't know what went wrong since I started university. Studying has never been a thing I had to deal with before. I can't tell whether I just hate the course I'm in or I'm just lazy. There's really no point fantasising about joining a culinary school or pursuing something in the direction of writing, as I could be equally lazy in said alternatives. Guess I'm just used to things just ... being understood. Wonder why is it such a huge issue now?
Like someone in a relationship that has been way too long to just give up on, there's just too much sunk cost involved. Gosh, I'm so darn good at analogies tonight eh? Or maybe I just watch too many YouTube videos and movies ...
Anyway, 2014.
21 soon. Very soon. Feel like writing blog posts again. Maybe on Wordpress or something. It's nice to have an outlet for all these bundled up thoughts. It's also nice to write/rant a little.
Been checking out a few of my friend's blogs. No surprise that most of them are as dead as mine, or perhaps, deader.
I hate to be so whiny all the time, but I just really ... am. I wish things were more flexible. I wish there was time allocated to everyone for them to hop from one major to another ... kinda like in the US. I wish I could just accept the way things are like everyone else and just do what they are suppose to do.
So what happened in 2013? (In backwards chronological order, because it's easier)
Stayed over at a local family's place for Christmas, in some countryside place in Wales. Absolutely lovely.
Well, went on a trip with a few of my friends to Prague, Czech Republic and Vienna, Austria. It was fun. Good food, good places, good company, what else could I ask for?
Did an internship in some banking software company for 2 months. Kinda sucked, but nevertheless, good experience I guess. Colleagues (other interns) made it more bearable.
Finish year 1 with a second upper. Good, considering the amount of effort I put into it. Bad, because it isn't first class ...
Anything else before that is just a blur. My memory isn't that good ...
So ... I should be off to write my essay and study for my exam ... which is next Tuesday ... and progress so far isn't looking too good.
Way too long.
Once again, I'm here, in front of my computer, procrastinating. It's like being stuck in a vicious cycle, like a kid growing up in a poor family, lacking the opportunities to equip themselves with whatever it takes to make it in the society, thrusting them further down into the depths of poverty and hardship ... except there's no cycle here -- it's just me being lazy time after time. I'm surprised I'm still in this course. For some reason, I keep anticipating my impending doom every time a deadline comes up, like in a movie, where this one specific incident changes the main character's entire life ... but nothing really happens. For some reason, I fantasise about failing this exam I'm about to take and end up having to decide whether to repeat an entire year or waste a huge chunk of my father's life savings, disappointing not only my parents but also relatives and teachers that have always considered me one of the smarter ones.
Sometimes, I fantasise being in a plane crash. Well, only sometimes mainly because I don't fly every day. So just the times I'm on the plane ...
Up till now, I don't know what went wrong since I started university. Studying has never been a thing I had to deal with before. I can't tell whether I just hate the course I'm in or I'm just lazy. There's really no point fantasising about joining a culinary school or pursuing something in the direction of writing, as I could be equally lazy in said alternatives. Guess I'm just used to things just ... being understood. Wonder why is it such a huge issue now?
Like someone in a relationship that has been way too long to just give up on, there's just too much sunk cost involved. Gosh, I'm so darn good at analogies tonight eh? Or maybe I just watch too many YouTube videos and movies ...
Anyway, 2014.
21 soon. Very soon. Feel like writing blog posts again. Maybe on Wordpress or something. It's nice to have an outlet for all these bundled up thoughts. It's also nice to write/rant a little.
Been checking out a few of my friend's blogs. No surprise that most of them are as dead as mine, or perhaps, deader.
I hate to be so whiny all the time, but I just really ... am. I wish things were more flexible. I wish there was time allocated to everyone for them to hop from one major to another ... kinda like in the US. I wish I could just accept the way things are like everyone else and just do what they are suppose to do.
So what happened in 2013? (In backwards chronological order, because it's easier)
Stayed over at a local family's place for Christmas, in some countryside place in Wales. Absolutely lovely.
Well, went on a trip with a few of my friends to Prague, Czech Republic and Vienna, Austria. It was fun. Good food, good places, good company, what else could I ask for?
Did an internship in some banking software company for 2 months. Kinda sucked, but nevertheless, good experience I guess. Colleagues (other interns) made it more bearable.
Finish year 1 with a second upper. Good, considering the amount of effort I put into it. Bad, because it isn't first class ...
Anything else before that is just a blur. My memory isn't that good ...
So ... I should be off to write my essay and study for my exam ... which is next Tuesday ... and progress so far isn't looking too good.
-Kritz
November 23, 2012
Of happiness and dreams
Just a few minutes ago, I was chatting with him and he told me how sick and tired he is of his job and how he wants to just quit. When asked what would he be doing instead, he told me that he wanted to take pictures all around the world.
Then my eyes started getting teary.
What a selfish jerk a person has to be, to rob someone of their livelong dream for his own desire that didn't even exist until recent years.
Despite telling me several times that he made such a huge decision/sacrifice ONLY because he believed in me (and my track record), I still feel that I'm not worthy of it. There's probably a reason why I can't secure a scholarship. Maybe my uncle's right, maybe this isn't worth it.
I had no idea he could afford to send me overseas. I am still not quite sure how. (Though I am sure no bank loans are involved.)
So I told him to keep himself healthy until I could afford to send him on vacations.
If I truly want to be fulfil that promise in the shortest amount of time possible, then the right thing to do is to get a job here in the UK and forget the idea of heading home after graduating. Of course, it depends on how good am I (or how good I will be), but that isn't the main issue here.
He will always remind me to do whatever that makes me happy ... well, maybe putting aside my desire to go home in order to make him feel happy will make me feel happy.
-Kritz
November 9, 2012
Is honesty really the best policy?
I believe (almost) nothing is absolute. (See what I did there? Without the ''almost'', I would be believing in an absolute statement, heh.) Just because you're a mathematician, doesn't mean you can't be a novelist. *inserts relevant video*
I remember being taught in church that we are not meant to tell lies, not even white lies. Well, guess what, I don't believe in your lies. How is it possible for a grown adult to have never told a lie before? "Oh, this (shitty) spaghetti tastes great!" Either your ability to lie has evolved to a point where you could manipulate the interpretation of the nerve impulses from your taste buds (this may or may not be scientifically correct) or you lied, you bloody hypocrite.
There are many ways to bring across a message, and being blatantly honest isn't always the best way. Like mathematical analysis, there are different ways of approaching different cases. Sometimes, it's just better for people to not know the truth. Sometimes.
I'm not talking about cheating-on-your-significant-other type of lies, because that (almost) automatically makes you a horrible person, but more along the lines of you-sing-like-a-dying-whale or did-you-seriously-get-that-hair-cut. Sure, you don't have to show approval, but don't go all out on a person. You don't have to be rude to offend or hurt someone. Wounds don't necessarily heal.
A relationship isn't build entirely on honesty, even the purest of gold isn't entirely pure. Sure, some confrontation and obstacles could lead to stronger bonds, but it could very well go the opposite direction. It's like a gamble. Heck, almost everything in life is a gamble. Maybe I could write about that some other time ...
Sure, there are traits of a person that you can't stand, but that doesn't necessarily mean you have to tell them! They don't have to know! Again, I'm not talking about traits that are disliked in general, but traits that you are personally irked by. Just because someone's laugh sounds like a hyena to you doesn't mean you have to point it out and rob them of one of the greatest pleasures of being human -- being able to laugh out loud.
I'm not really sure where am I going with all this, but all I can say is sometimes, if things are too valuable to put at stake, a lie is justifiable.
Funny, I remember posting something about honesty being the best policy some time ago, but I was in favour of it. I guess people change.
-Kritz
April 12, 2012
Qingming Festival
When was it again? Oh, right, last Saturday? Surprisingly felt like a long time ago.
It was drizzling that morning, which was EXTREMELY cliché.
Standing in front of my grandmother's urn compartment (I have absolutely no idea what is it called. Googled and stumbled upon that term ... which I hope is accurate) has made me think about life. To think that my grandmother went through all that suffering to raise 5 kids by her own, then leaving them to go live their own lives ... and finally leave this earth in sickness ...
This reminds me of Petaling Street Warriors, not the funny bits, but the whole era of our ancestors coming all the way from China to find a living here. To think that the sole purpose of life at that point of time was survival, really baffles me. Compared with our current generation, where everyone strives to be rich to be able to live a luxurious life, I really find it hard to find the motivation to live on if I were placed back in that era. Most people now don't even want to have kids, as it is a huge burden and it hinders them from living life to their fullest. People of the past seem so selfless compared to those of now ... I never really felt that grateful for what our ancestors did until I watched that movie.
My dad will always tell me stories of how poor his family used to be, how tough life was for them ... I cannot imagine walking in his shoes, being the spoiled brat that I am (not that I'm particularly spoiled, but I like having meat every meal and not during huge celebrations only). This explains why people of previous generations have different mindsets than the current ones.
Back to the ceremony of food-offering and burnt offerings ...
While holding a few joss sticks, saying stuff that I would say to my grandmother, I remember how people at church forbid the usage of joss sticks. Thinking about it, I find it absurd. It wasn't as if I were praying to another God, I'm merely showing my respect for my grandmother. If God ain't happy about such a trivial matter, then so be it.
Prayers were the usual: for my parents' health, for my studies, yadda yadda yadda.
It occurred to me that there are 2 possibilities: 1. Somehow, somewhere, my grandma is watching. 2. Life ends. There's nothing after that. All these ceremonies are nothing but remembrances of the living for the dead. Even if the latter possibility is the reality, I really have no issues with it. Why not spend a day doing something together with your family to reflect and be grateful of what you already have?
To think that in a few more months, I'll be going to a foreign land, leaving my parents that I've been living with for the past 19 years ...
But I guess that's part of life. Everyone will eventually leave their parents, like a bird that has learned to fly ...
To think that it's part of daily life to see their faces ... and suddenly you can only see them through a computer screen for several years ...
All I could wish for is that my parents will stay healthy and safe till I come back.
It was drizzling that morning, which was EXTREMELY cliché.
清明時節雨紛紛Never really had an issue with this tradition, furthermore I wouldn't be around to pay my respects to my ancestors for the next few years, which makes it even more important to be there this time.
(translated: A drizzling rain falls like tears on the Mourning Day;) source:wiki
Standing in front of my grandmother's urn compartment (I have absolutely no idea what is it called. Googled and stumbled upon that term ... which I hope is accurate) has made me think about life. To think that my grandmother went through all that suffering to raise 5 kids by her own, then leaving them to go live their own lives ... and finally leave this earth in sickness ...
This reminds me of Petaling Street Warriors, not the funny bits, but the whole era of our ancestors coming all the way from China to find a living here. To think that the sole purpose of life at that point of time was survival, really baffles me. Compared with our current generation, where everyone strives to be rich to be able to live a luxurious life, I really find it hard to find the motivation to live on if I were placed back in that era. Most people now don't even want to have kids, as it is a huge burden and it hinders them from living life to their fullest. People of the past seem so selfless compared to those of now ... I never really felt that grateful for what our ancestors did until I watched that movie.
My dad will always tell me stories of how poor his family used to be, how tough life was for them ... I cannot imagine walking in his shoes, being the spoiled brat that I am (not that I'm particularly spoiled, but I like having meat every meal and not during huge celebrations only). This explains why people of previous generations have different mindsets than the current ones.
Back to the ceremony of food-offering and burnt offerings ...
While holding a few joss sticks, saying stuff that I would say to my grandmother, I remember how people at church forbid the usage of joss sticks. Thinking about it, I find it absurd. It wasn't as if I were praying to another God, I'm merely showing my respect for my grandmother. If God ain't happy about such a trivial matter, then so be it.
Prayers were the usual: for my parents' health, for my studies, yadda yadda yadda.
It occurred to me that there are 2 possibilities: 1. Somehow, somewhere, my grandma is watching. 2. Life ends. There's nothing after that. All these ceremonies are nothing but remembrances of the living for the dead. Even if the latter possibility is the reality, I really have no issues with it. Why not spend a day doing something together with your family to reflect and be grateful of what you already have?
To think that in a few more months, I'll be going to a foreign land, leaving my parents that I've been living with for the past 19 years ...
But I guess that's part of life. Everyone will eventually leave their parents, like a bird that has learned to fly ...
To think that it's part of daily life to see their faces ... and suddenly you can only see them through a computer screen for several years ...
All I could wish for is that my parents will stay healthy and safe till I come back.
-Kritz
January 30, 2012
To sacrifice your passion, or sacrifice for passion?
"Yann Martel was born in 1963 and lives in the Canadian prairie province of Saskatchewan. After studying philosophy at university, he worked as a dishwasher, a tree planter, and a security guard. Then he began to write. Life of Pi, his second novel, was published to international acclaim in more than forty countries and won the 2002 Man Booker Prize."
Words can't express how I admire people who study courses that aren't guaranteed a 3 to 5 thousand pay for fresh graduates. If only I could be that person. Only thing is, I don't know what my passion is. Also, I'm not filthy rich.
It just isn't practical for people in countries such as mine to pursue such paths, since an overseas education would cost both my parents' life savings, or probably put myself in an endless amount of debt. Why spend few hundred thousand to be a dishwasher/tree planter/security guard? Then again, education in western countries isn't exactly free, but I assume that it's much more affordable.
That's why you don't see graduates from obscure courses over here, but a sea of business graduates and engineers. Maybe it's a culture, a norm. Maybe because we're a developing country, where obscure professions are not of a necessity. Then again it's probably also not a necessity in many other places ... I have to stop contradicting myself.
Though I doubt my true passion is to have a doctorate in philosophy, zoology, marine biology or English literature, I hope that whatever path that I'm about to venture in would eventually be fruitful and not a waste of time -- or probably given a second chance when I decide to leave everything behind to pursue something that makes all the difference. (*hint* famous poem reference)
Now, off to actually read Life of Pi.
Words can't express how I admire people who study courses that aren't guaranteed a 3 to 5 thousand pay for fresh graduates. If only I could be that person. Only thing is, I don't know what my passion is. Also, I'm not filthy rich.
It just isn't practical for people in countries such as mine to pursue such paths, since an overseas education would cost both my parents' life savings, or probably put myself in an endless amount of debt. Why spend few hundred thousand to be a dishwasher/tree planter/security guard? Then again, education in western countries isn't exactly free, but I assume that it's much more affordable.
That's why you don't see graduates from obscure courses over here, but a sea of business graduates and engineers. Maybe it's a culture, a norm. Maybe because we're a developing country, where obscure professions are not of a necessity. Then again it's probably also not a necessity in many other places ... I have to stop contradicting myself.
Though I doubt my true passion is to have a doctorate in philosophy, zoology, marine biology or English literature, I hope that whatever path that I'm about to venture in would eventually be fruitful and not a waste of time -- or probably given a second chance when I decide to leave everything behind to pursue something that makes all the difference. (*hint* famous poem reference)
Now, off to actually read Life of Pi.
-Kritz
November 26, 2011
Hi blog!
Nope, I'm not 'back on track' about blogging as of yet.
I just need a place to blurt about the uncertainties about pursuing a career of being an actuary,
For future reference.
So this representative from Kent called me today, inputting loads of stuff about actuarial science in my brain, leaving me with a whole lot of questions in my head.
Being a representative from Kent, I expected her to sell her uni the best way she could ...
But there are not many neutral parties which I can seek advice from ...
Programming language, is it important?
Apparently, according to her (the representative), she said that Kent uses PROPHET, which is widely used in the industry. She said that Kent bought the rights to use that programming language (or something like that) with millions of dollars/pounds/*inserts currency*.
No idea how accurate is that claim ... but after some googling ... I don't see where it states explicitly that PROPHET is the only important programming language out there ... suspicious.
Makes me doubt the importance of programming language used at degree level ... but then again I can't be too sure about that. Heriot-Watt uses R or something >_> ...
My top 4 choices are now Warwick, Heriot-Watt, Southampton and Kent ... don't ask me why I don't like East Anglia ... gut feeling, maybe?
Warwick, well, for it's MMORSE. Since every uni that tried to sell themselves to me (i.e. Southampton and that rep from Kent) did mention that MORSE is a really good course. But course is course ... question is, how useful is it when I graduate? I don't know. I probably won't be doing actuarial science any more if I were to score an offer from them.
Heriot-Watt ... the very first uni in the UK to actually offer actuarial science. Feels like the pioneer in actuarial studies to me ... but that's just an impression. I was kinda attracted to the masters programme in Heriot-Watt, leaving me with only 3 papers after an extra year of studies, but I was told by the Kent rep that apparently, Kent's postgrad course for actuarial leaves only 1 paper after an extra year for masters (technically ... two, but I wasn't sure what she said. She emphasised on how it was better than HW's MSc. lulz)
She also mentioned that how a second year entry is actually harder to fit in ... and that one might miss out on certain stuff. I personally thought about that before, but I just thought it wasn't that significant. I might be wrong ...
Southampton ... love the thought of studying a degree that's called 'Mathematics and Actuarial Science' and not just the plain 'Actuarial Science'. May seem more challenging in terms of studies, but is it really necessary or practical during my work? That's ... another question. The guy from Southampton did say that it helps for ST papers and their graduates tend to finish those actuarial papers faster than others. Well duh, he is from Southampton =_=
Kent ... didn't really considered this as one of my options before getting a call from their rep, despite knowing that they are quite reputable in this course. Made me wanna change my UEA to City though ... Oh and about their 'year in industrial placement' ... she made it sound important, but then again she kept emphasising on how competitive it was ... probably wouldn't get it anyway.
Then my friend said that one of our mutual friends said that a guy from Bank Negara (yes, I know) said that (heh) this actuarial science thingy is a 'sunset business' and that new econs professions are emerging ... hmmm ... have to do more research about that.
TL;DR version:-
Importance of programming language
Future job prospects
Practicality of course in working field ...
...
Mafan =_=
I just need a place to blurt about the uncertainties about pursuing a career of being an actuary,
For future reference.
So this representative from Kent called me today, inputting loads of stuff about actuarial science in my brain, leaving me with a whole lot of questions in my head.
Being a representative from Kent, I expected her to sell her uni the best way she could ...
But there are not many neutral parties which I can seek advice from ...
Programming language, is it important?
Apparently, according to her (the representative), she said that Kent uses PROPHET, which is widely used in the industry. She said that Kent bought the rights to use that programming language (or something like that) with millions of dollars/pounds/*inserts currency*.
No idea how accurate is that claim ... but after some googling ... I don't see where it states explicitly that PROPHET is the only important programming language out there ... suspicious.
Makes me doubt the importance of programming language used at degree level ... but then again I can't be too sure about that. Heriot-Watt uses R or something >_> ...
My top 4 choices are now Warwick, Heriot-Watt, Southampton and Kent ... don't ask me why I don't like East Anglia ... gut feeling, maybe?
Warwick, well, for it's MMORSE. Since every uni that tried to sell themselves to me (i.e. Southampton and that rep from Kent) did mention that MORSE is a really good course. But course is course ... question is, how useful is it when I graduate? I don't know. I probably won't be doing actuarial science any more if I were to score an offer from them.
Heriot-Watt ... the very first uni in the UK to actually offer actuarial science. Feels like the pioneer in actuarial studies to me ... but that's just an impression. I was kinda attracted to the masters programme in Heriot-Watt, leaving me with only 3 papers after an extra year of studies, but I was told by the Kent rep that apparently, Kent's postgrad course for actuarial leaves only 1 paper after an extra year for masters (technically ... two, but I wasn't sure what she said. She emphasised on how it was better than HW's MSc. lulz)
She also mentioned that how a second year entry is actually harder to fit in ... and that one might miss out on certain stuff. I personally thought about that before, but I just thought it wasn't that significant. I might be wrong ...
Southampton ... love the thought of studying a degree that's called 'Mathematics and Actuarial Science' and not just the plain 'Actuarial Science'. May seem more challenging in terms of studies, but is it really necessary or practical during my work? That's ... another question. The guy from Southampton did say that it helps for ST papers and their graduates tend to finish those actuarial papers faster than others. Well duh, he is from Southampton =_=
Kent ... didn't really considered this as one of my options before getting a call from their rep, despite knowing that they are quite reputable in this course. Made me wanna change my UEA to City though ... Oh and about their 'year in industrial placement' ... she made it sound important, but then again she kept emphasising on how competitive it was ... probably wouldn't get it anyway.
Then my friend said that one of our mutual friends said that a guy from Bank Negara (yes, I know) said that (heh) this actuarial science thingy is a 'sunset business' and that new econs professions are emerging ... hmmm ... have to do more research about that.
TL;DR version:-
Importance of programming language
Future job prospects
Practicality of course in working field ...
...
Mafan =_=
-Kritz
April 3, 2011
Breakfast thoughts (and places?)
My mom brought me out for breakfast this morning. I ate while she went to settle some errands over at the post office (that turns out, wasn't open). While eating, alone, in the crowded coffee shop on a sunny morning, an elderly lady sat down at my table to have her breakfast too. Most older Chinese women in my country have this distinct flowery-patterned button-down shirt and a head that consists of a mixture of white, grey and black strands of hair. I hadn't noticed her face though, being preoccupied with my food.
I imagined looking up and seeing my grandmother's face (I tend to ''imagine'' a lot), but when her food arrived, I looked up and saw just another elderly lady's face. Although she was eating all by herself, she didn't struck me as one of those old people that are neglected by her children; for one, she ordered quite a nice meal with added ingredients and all. She probably enjoyed going to the market every weekend, since a lot of old people do (I assume).
I then continued pondering, what if my grandparents (particularly my grandmothers, since they are the only grandparents that I've actually met) are still alive and kickin'? Since I could drive and all. What would they think about my driving? I could be the one sending them to the market on weekends, while they complained that my driving isn't good enough or I brake too late or I needed to slow down.
I could only wonder.
Now that they had left the 'labyrinth of suffering' (that's a Looking for Alaska reference, by the way), albeit not fast and straight but somewhat less horrible than how most people step into the afterlife.
Question is, how would I leave the labyrinth of suffering? Will the end of the maze be the same for everyone?
Then after breakfast, I walked towards the post office, only to find it closed, and then to the car, to which my mom wasn't there as well. So the option left was to walk through the market, hoping to bump into my mom since her phone was with me and I couldn't call her.
This again, brought back memories of my childhood. I remember trying to keep up with my mom, and not losing my grandmother in the crowd at the same time. Though I would always end up looking for my mother with my grandmother or looking for my grandmother with my mom. It sucked but that routine made it's way into my mind ... so I guess that it was somewhat significant.
My hope of an adventurous exploration came to an end when I saw my mom minutes after walking into the market. I used to remember having a larger crowd ... maybe it was because I was smaller, well, literally.
I realised, that I do not fear walking in unfamiliar places. Even when I started college, having to take public transports to even unfamiliar places, I never had this sense of fear of strangers ... everything seemed like a new experience. But then again, why would I be afraid of mothers and their mother-in-laws?
This has been a very pointless babbling about these thoughts that go through my head. Yeah.
I imagined looking up and seeing my grandmother's face (I tend to ''imagine'' a lot), but when her food arrived, I looked up and saw just another elderly lady's face. Although she was eating all by herself, she didn't struck me as one of those old people that are neglected by her children; for one, she ordered quite a nice meal with added ingredients and all. She probably enjoyed going to the market every weekend, since a lot of old people do (I assume).
I then continued pondering, what if my grandparents (particularly my grandmothers, since they are the only grandparents that I've actually met) are still alive and kickin'? Since I could drive and all. What would they think about my driving? I could be the one sending them to the market on weekends, while they complained that my driving isn't good enough or I brake too late or I needed to slow down.
I could only wonder.
Now that they had left the 'labyrinth of suffering' (that's a Looking for Alaska reference, by the way), albeit not fast and straight but somewhat less horrible than how most people step into the afterlife.
Question is, how would I leave the labyrinth of suffering? Will the end of the maze be the same for everyone?
Then after breakfast, I walked towards the post office, only to find it closed, and then to the car, to which my mom wasn't there as well. So the option left was to walk through the market, hoping to bump into my mom since her phone was with me and I couldn't call her.
This again, brought back memories of my childhood. I remember trying to keep up with my mom, and not losing my grandmother in the crowd at the same time. Though I would always end up looking for my mother with my grandmother or looking for my grandmother with my mom. It sucked but that routine made it's way into my mind ... so I guess that it was somewhat significant.
My hope of an adventurous exploration came to an end when I saw my mom minutes after walking into the market. I used to remember having a larger crowd ... maybe it was because I was smaller, well, literally.
I realised, that I do not fear walking in unfamiliar places. Even when I started college, having to take public transports to even unfamiliar places, I never had this sense of fear of strangers ... everything seemed like a new experience. But then again, why would I be afraid of mothers and their mother-in-laws?
This has been a very pointless babbling about these thoughts that go through my head. Yeah.
-Kritz
April 1, 2011
Post SPM results thoughts
Well, took me long enough to finally decide to sit down and blog about this.
Before I start, here are my results
A+
Maths
Add maths
English (1A for 1119, woohoo~)
Chemistry
Moral
A
Physics
Biology
Sejarah
A-
Bahasa Melayu
English in Literature
B+
Bahasa Cina
The day before the results was a nightmare. In retrospect, I probably shouldn't have worried so much, but we all know that's impossible.
So there was a lot of congratulating, stuff like that, and disappointments too.
I still remember the day before, while I was on my bed, ready for the sleep that was restless, I prayed that whatever the results were, I would be able to accept them.
And true enough, my results weren't tragically horrible, but it ain't exactly the most desirable.
Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful about the results, but there always was a hope that it would be better than what I had expected.
I felt that the results was really the result of the amount of effort that I had put into my studies: good yet not the best. Though I was a little disappointed for my English Literature paper ... sigh.
But really, there's nothing to regret about.
It is what it is.
Though an extra A would've gotten me another 2 grand, or 2 A's for another 4 grand.
But it's too late for that.
I don't know what my parents think though. Of course they would have hoped for 9A+'s, and my dad says that he is proud of my results ... but I will never know. Honestly, I think they expected better.
I moved on quicker than I had expected.
And before I know it, my SPM results will become irrelevant, as A-levels will soon overshadow it. Would I put more effort? Only time will tell ...
Before I start, here are my results
A+
Maths
Add maths
English (1A for 1119, woohoo~)
Chemistry
Moral
A
Physics
Biology
Sejarah
A-
Bahasa Melayu
English in Literature
B+
Bahasa Cina
The day before the results was a nightmare. In retrospect, I probably shouldn't have worried so much, but we all know that's impossible.
So there was a lot of congratulating, stuff like that, and disappointments too.
I still remember the day before, while I was on my bed, ready for the sleep that was restless, I prayed that whatever the results were, I would be able to accept them.
And true enough, my results weren't tragically horrible, but it ain't exactly the most desirable.
Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful about the results, but there always was a hope that it would be better than what I had expected.
I felt that the results was really the result of the amount of effort that I had put into my studies: good yet not the best. Though I was a little disappointed for my English Literature paper ... sigh.
But really, there's nothing to regret about.
It is what it is.
Though an extra A would've gotten me another 2 grand, or 2 A's for another 4 grand.
But it's too late for that.
I don't know what my parents think though. Of course they would have hoped for 9A+'s, and my dad says that he is proud of my results ... but I will never know. Honestly, I think they expected better.
I moved on quicker than I had expected.
And before I know it, my SPM results will become irrelevant, as A-levels will soon overshadow it. Would I put more effort? Only time will tell ...
-Kritz
March 14, 2011
you should probably skip this ...
Hey ... wonder who am I greeting anyway.
It is the month of March already, and SPM results are coming out very soon. What am I expecting? Well, the dream is of course to achieve amazing results, followed by an array of prestigious scholarships, waiting for me to pick from and continue this life of smooth sailing till I step into the working society.
Ain't that an awesome dream?
Results will probably be ... average? I am not exactly the extremely hard-working student that gets the best results, nor am I a genius in any way. Sure, I am also not the 'average' student, but I do not see myself anywhere near being of what I consider as good.
Then again, there is also the horrifying possibility that my results would be less than expected ...
Being in college, once again, I feel the never-ending need of excelling. Let's face it, the chances of being the absolute best at something is close to zero, as there are only so many things one could be the best at but way too many contestants the competition. For me ... it's never good enough. Oh sure, I may have one of the best results in certain subjects, in my school, but it ends there. The cold and hard reality is that any other school could have a whole class that could easily defeat me in any sort of competition ... so what does that make me?
There's this Chinese saying, about not being able to compare with those better than me, but also being a lot better than those that are not as good as I am. As poorly translated as that was, it seems to encourage people to be contended with their lives. But really, what's the point of just being average? It's things like these that that makes me loathe competitiveness, but one could not live without competing. Sure, one might argue that a competition is never about winning, but it sucks to lose all the time!
I have always envied the Americans, because from what I notice from my limited exposure towards them, a lot of them seem to support their daily lives by doing things that they love, and are passionate for. That might not be the case for the majority of foreigners, but it seems that those life choices only exist in western countries. In Asian countries, particularly as a Chinese living in Malaysia, most career choices are based on what brings in the most cash, not so much on interest.
But then again, given the opportunity to do the thing I love ... well, I would be lost, since I do not know what exactly am I passionate for.
Till now, I have doubts about being an Actuary. One of the many reasons of choosing that as an answer to all those never-ending questions regarding what do I aspire to be, is it being somewhat related to maths, and it being one of the jobs with a high salary. A part of me wishes to polish my writing skills, hoping that I could write articles or books, but that again, faces tremendous challenges as I'm not a born writer and it seems as though my skills could never improve. Furthermore, I could NEVER picture myself writing for a living.
Okay, leaving that hanging, aside from academic stuff, there's also personality and leadership qualities to work on. The word leadership makes me nauseous. I personally despise the fact that every single one of us should be a person with the ability to lead, being in high spirits and all ... Why couldn't I be that shadowy character in novels that are not leaders but possesses an ability that separates me from the others? Why must I be a leader? Maybe I'm not seeing the big picture here, maybe I'm just not mature enough, or maybe I'm just not a leader. I guess I hate having to be someone that I am not meant to be ... Or maybe it's the quality of a leader that is somewhat condescending, far-to-reach and not-that-down-to-earth that seems to be the case for most of the time.
And the never-ending wall of pointless text goes on and on and on ...
I shall (hopefully) blog again, with thoughts that are much more organised ... as of now I only need some sort of an outlet to flush out some of them.
It is the month of March already, and SPM results are coming out very soon. What am I expecting? Well, the dream is of course to achieve amazing results, followed by an array of prestigious scholarships, waiting for me to pick from and continue this life of smooth sailing till I step into the working society.
Ain't that an awesome dream?
Results will probably be ... average? I am not exactly the extremely hard-working student that gets the best results, nor am I a genius in any way. Sure, I am also not the 'average' student, but I do not see myself anywhere near being of what I consider as good.
Then again, there is also the horrifying possibility that my results would be less than expected ...
Being in college, once again, I feel the never-ending need of excelling. Let's face it, the chances of being the absolute best at something is close to zero, as there are only so many things one could be the best at but way too many contestants the competition. For me ... it's never good enough. Oh sure, I may have one of the best results in certain subjects, in my school, but it ends there. The cold and hard reality is that any other school could have a whole class that could easily defeat me in any sort of competition ... so what does that make me?
There's this Chinese saying, about not being able to compare with those better than me, but also being a lot better than those that are not as good as I am. As poorly translated as that was, it seems to encourage people to be contended with their lives. But really, what's the point of just being average? It's things like these that that makes me loathe competitiveness, but one could not live without competing. Sure, one might argue that a competition is never about winning, but it sucks to lose all the time!
I have always envied the Americans, because from what I notice from my limited exposure towards them, a lot of them seem to support their daily lives by doing things that they love, and are passionate for. That might not be the case for the majority of foreigners, but it seems that those life choices only exist in western countries. In Asian countries, particularly as a Chinese living in Malaysia, most career choices are based on what brings in the most cash, not so much on interest.
But then again, given the opportunity to do the thing I love ... well, I would be lost, since I do not know what exactly am I passionate for.
Till now, I have doubts about being an Actuary. One of the many reasons of choosing that as an answer to all those never-ending questions regarding what do I aspire to be, is it being somewhat related to maths, and it being one of the jobs with a high salary. A part of me wishes to polish my writing skills, hoping that I could write articles or books, but that again, faces tremendous challenges as I'm not a born writer and it seems as though my skills could never improve. Furthermore, I could NEVER picture myself writing for a living.
Okay, leaving that hanging, aside from academic stuff, there's also personality and leadership qualities to work on. The word leadership makes me nauseous. I personally despise the fact that every single one of us should be a person with the ability to lead, being in high spirits and all ... Why couldn't I be that shadowy character in novels that are not leaders but possesses an ability that separates me from the others? Why must I be a leader? Maybe I'm not seeing the big picture here, maybe I'm just not mature enough, or maybe I'm just not a leader. I guess I hate having to be someone that I am not meant to be ... Or maybe it's the quality of a leader that is somewhat condescending, far-to-reach and not-that-down-to-earth that seems to be the case for most of the time.
And the never-ending wall of pointless text goes on and on and on ...
I shall (hopefully) blog again, with thoughts that are much more organised ... as of now I only need some sort of an outlet to flush out some of them.
-Kritz
January 3, 2011
Thinking too much?
As of now, I have several thoughts running through my head, entirely different yet parallel flow of thoughts ...
One of it is about my new college life, of course. Today was orientation. It was okay I guess. The director of the A-levels department made obtaining scholarship for tertiary studies abroad sound easy. He said, if I (or someone else) were to anyhow put a finger on one of the names in his list of A-levels students, and bet that they didn't get any sort of scholarship, I would lose. Sounds exaggerated, not that I'm complaining or anything, of course I would want to be one of the recipients of prestigious scholarships.
One of it is about my new college life too, but not of the same context. HELP. Far. Everyone tells me that. Furthermore, it appears to be a huge burden for my parents. So I start questioning, though keeping the questions to myself, why not just drop the scholarship and go for something nearer? Then, on the way to HELP this morning, I see parents bringing their children, way before daybreak, probably to a school that isn't nearby, for the sake of education. I guess sacrifices must be made ... since I've been having it easy for me since primary school and throughout secondary school. Time for some minor hardship? I guess the best way is to get behind the wheels as soon as possible or start using public transport.
Another one of it is again, regarding college life, and again, not related to those stated above. I have to keep reminding myself, that college life is comparatively just a small part of my life. If I were to make a big fuss about this, how could I possibly face larger challenges? A-levels is only 1 and a half years, whereas a degree would easily be 2 more, and if I were to be a certified actuary, there will be a minimum 5 years of hardship, sitting for professional papers, alongside work and probably with a family?!
I should've blogged about 2010. I felt like I didn't give myself an appropriate closure for the epic year. The celebration at She-Reen's house was awesome, albeit there wasn't booze or drugs that made us high, nor was there a lot of shouting or screaming, but I personally think it was the best new year celebration I'd ever had. If only more of us were there. Sitting in the park, just talking and chilling, one of the best things friends could do together. How I wish the night didn't end ...
So what more bullcrap could I come up with?
I realise I like to blurt a lot when I'm feeling a little moody.
I guess it meant that life was good since I had stop blogging for awhile.
Maybe it's time to be active again?
One of it is about my new college life, of course. Today was orientation. It was okay I guess. The director of the A-levels department made obtaining scholarship for tertiary studies abroad sound easy. He said, if I (or someone else) were to anyhow put a finger on one of the names in his list of A-levels students, and bet that they didn't get any sort of scholarship, I would lose. Sounds exaggerated, not that I'm complaining or anything, of course I would want to be one of the recipients of prestigious scholarships.
One of it is about my new college life too, but not of the same context. HELP. Far. Everyone tells me that. Furthermore, it appears to be a huge burden for my parents. So I start questioning, though keeping the questions to myself, why not just drop the scholarship and go for something nearer? Then, on the way to HELP this morning, I see parents bringing their children, way before daybreak, probably to a school that isn't nearby, for the sake of education. I guess sacrifices must be made ... since I've been having it easy for me since primary school and throughout secondary school. Time for some minor hardship? I guess the best way is to get behind the wheels as soon as possible or start using public transport.
Another one of it is again, regarding college life, and again, not related to those stated above. I have to keep reminding myself, that college life is comparatively just a small part of my life. If I were to make a big fuss about this, how could I possibly face larger challenges? A-levels is only 1 and a half years, whereas a degree would easily be 2 more, and if I were to be a certified actuary, there will be a minimum 5 years of hardship, sitting for professional papers, alongside work and probably with a family?!
I should've blogged about 2010. I felt like I didn't give myself an appropriate closure for the epic year. The celebration at She-Reen's house was awesome, albeit there wasn't booze or drugs that made us high, nor was there a lot of shouting or screaming, but I personally think it was the best new year celebration I'd ever had. If only more of us were there. Sitting in the park, just talking and chilling, one of the best things friends could do together. How I wish the night didn't end ...
So what more bullcrap could I come up with?
I realise I like to blurt a lot when I'm feeling a little moody.
I guess it meant that life was good since I had stop blogging for awhile.
Maybe it's time to be active again?
-Kritz
December 13, 2010
Failing to prioritise
Whoa, it's been a long time.
I guess I should start blogging again, at least once or twice a week.
I remember blogging about how blogging has been the only hobby I hung on to for the longest period of time.
Apparently, that didn't last as well.
Tomorrow's the last day of the SPM examinations, the most dreadful subject, Chinese Language (or Mandarin, whatever).
Not sure how I did for my other subjects, dare not have any sort of expectations ... although I will subconsciously have them in my mind, determining the reaction I would have prior to the release of my results. (I'm not sure whether is that sentence phrased correctly -.-)
Hope I will stick to my words.
I guess I should start blogging again, at least once or twice a week.
I remember blogging about how blogging has been the only hobby I hung on to for the longest period of time.
Apparently, that didn't last as well.
Tomorrow's the last day of the SPM examinations, the most dreadful subject, Chinese Language (or Mandarin, whatever).
Not sure how I did for my other subjects, dare not have any sort of expectations ... although I will subconsciously have them in my mind, determining the reaction I would have prior to the release of my results. (I'm not sure whether is that sentence phrased correctly -.-)
Hope I will stick to my words.
November 15, 2010
Boo.
Hah, scared you there.
No?
Not even a bit?
Awww, dammit.
It's been SO LONG since I've posted something on this cyber-dust-collecting blog,
Even the log in page looks different.
So ... where do I start?
Tomorrow's my graduation day.
I guess this could be considered the first, since kindergarten doesn't count and I missed primary because of stupid chicken pox.
Yes, I can't stop telling the whole world about my tragic past.
5 years, 5 friggin' years.
Well, some time in the future, I'll think of these 5 years as a minor part of my life. Very minor.
But right now, this very moment, the climax of the 17 (almost 18) of my life is written in these 5 years ...
Probably the coming week,
My major exams.
Then again, SPM doesn't overshadow these 5 years.
I believe it's the friends and people I interact with that makes these 5 years what it really is.
Did that make sense?
Gosh, this seems to be getting a little corny.
Sounds like a year-end post, heh.
But the story doesn't end here.
It's another beginning.
Yes, ANOTHER beginning.
My freedom will only last slightly more than half-a-month,
Because my college life starts on the 3rd of January.
I'm officially a SASA-rian,
A scholarship offered by HELP.
I'm not thrilled at all.
In fact, I'm intimidated.
When I was in HELP,
Getting ready for my interview,
I went through the brochure and saw that one of their mottoes is 'To Be Significant'.
I could TOTALLY relate with that.
I DO want to be significant.
Not rich, famous, powerful,
But significant.
Yet, during the award ceremony,
I see people from higher class areas,
With that significant look on their faces ...
The whole vibe is entirely different from those that I've grew up in.
I wonder how in the world could I get use to that.
I'm not a fan of venturing into the unknown ...
Guess I won't be going far?
Suddenly,
I don't feel like being significant.
Maybe I'm just not meant to be some intellectual individual,
Just some common person that blends into the ever-changing society.
Maybe I'm not destined for awesomeness like Barney (NO, not the purple dinosaur).
Oh wait, his awesomeness has another definition.
Blah.
So everyone tells me to concentrate on SPM and put aside other stuff.
But I can't.
I just can't.
Blah.
I just lost the mood to continue this.
Shall disappear for another ... month or so.
No?
Not even a bit?
Awww, dammit.
It's been SO LONG since I've posted something on this cyber-dust-collecting blog,
Even the log in page looks different.
So ... where do I start?
Tomorrow's my graduation day.
I guess this could be considered the first, since kindergarten doesn't count and I missed primary because of stupid chicken pox.
Yes, I can't stop telling the whole world about my tragic past.
5 years, 5 friggin' years.
Well, some time in the future, I'll think of these 5 years as a minor part of my life. Very minor.
But right now, this very moment, the climax of the 17 (almost 18) of my life is written in these 5 years ...
Probably the coming week,
My major exams.
Then again, SPM doesn't overshadow these 5 years.
I believe it's the friends and people I interact with that makes these 5 years what it really is.
Did that make sense?
Gosh, this seems to be getting a little corny.
Sounds like a year-end post, heh.
But the story doesn't end here.
It's another beginning.
Yes, ANOTHER beginning.
My freedom will only last slightly more than half-a-month,
Because my college life starts on the 3rd of January.
I'm officially a SASA-rian,
A scholarship offered by HELP.
I'm not thrilled at all.
In fact, I'm intimidated.
When I was in HELP,
Getting ready for my interview,
I went through the brochure and saw that one of their mottoes is 'To Be Significant'.
I could TOTALLY relate with that.
I DO want to be significant.
Not rich, famous, powerful,
But significant.
Yet, during the award ceremony,
I see people from higher class areas,
With that significant look on their faces ...
The whole vibe is entirely different from those that I've grew up in.
I wonder how in the world could I get use to that.
I'm not a fan of venturing into the unknown ...
Guess I won't be going far?
Suddenly,
I don't feel like being significant.
Maybe I'm just not meant to be some intellectual individual,
Just some common person that blends into the ever-changing society.
Maybe I'm not destined for awesomeness like Barney (NO, not the purple dinosaur).
Oh wait, his awesomeness has another definition.
Blah.
So everyone tells me to concentrate on SPM and put aside other stuff.
But I can't.
I just can't.
Blah.
I just lost the mood to continue this.
Shall disappear for another ... month or so.
-Kritz
August 14, 2010
I try ... so hard ...
And that one thing screws everything up.
Sucks when people judge you on one certain unintentional mistake, eh?
I'm, for what it's worth, absolutely sorry for what I've done wrong,
But believe it or not, I wasn't being a selfish jerk,
Somehow, it just slipped out of my mind.
I'm not the kind that will say,
Heck, screw him, I shall verbally screw him up every time I have the chance to do so.
No, in fact, I do try to make things better, whether you notice it or not.
Even with people that aren't friends of my friends,
i.e. a friend that my other friend dislikes.
I'll try my best NOT to dislike him just because another friend does,
Despite having good reasons to do so.
I guess that's just me.
Sometimes, I don't even know why am I even trying.
Maybe it's because I don't want things to be so awkward all the time,
Maybe it's because it's never okay to make enemies.
And I've mentioned before in previous posts,
That I really take what people say about me to heart,
It makes me very ... frustrated at times.
I guess I can't be a celebrity because celebrities have a lot of haters. HAH.
Unless it's some stranger ... never mind.
Even though sometimes I seem like I genuinely dislike a person,
But that doesn't stop me from trying not to hate.
I'm human too, and I have emotions.
I guess it's just human to say FML when they knock their toes against the foot of the bed before sleeping when they had the greatest day of their lives;
I guess it's just human to label a person based on one single incident despite him being decent most of the time.
Oh well. I guess I'll have to let it be.
Sucks when people judge you on one certain unintentional mistake, eh?
I'm, for what it's worth, absolutely sorry for what I've done wrong,
But believe it or not, I wasn't being a selfish jerk,
Somehow, it just slipped out of my mind.
I'm not the kind that will say,
Heck, screw him, I shall verbally screw him up every time I have the chance to do so.
No, in fact, I do try to make things better, whether you notice it or not.
Even with people that aren't friends of my friends,
i.e. a friend that my other friend dislikes.
I'll try my best NOT to dislike him just because another friend does,
Despite having good reasons to do so.
I guess that's just me.
Sometimes, I don't even know why am I even trying.
Maybe it's because I don't want things to be so awkward all the time,
Maybe it's because it's never okay to make enemies.
And I've mentioned before in previous posts,
That I really take what people say about me to heart,
It makes me very ... frustrated at times.
I guess I can't be a celebrity because celebrities have a lot of haters. HAH.
Unless it's some stranger ... never mind.
Even though sometimes I seem like I genuinely dislike a person,
But that doesn't stop me from trying not to hate.
I'm human too, and I have emotions.
I guess it's just human to say FML when they knock their toes against the foot of the bed before sleeping when they had the greatest day of their lives;
I guess it's just human to label a person based on one single incident despite him being decent most of the time.
Oh well. I guess I'll have to let it be.
-Kritz
July 31, 2010
Random update ...
So about that review about Inception ...
... maybe some other time ...
Getting emo in 4, 3, 2 ...
LOL.
Yeah, it's this uncertainty and lack of direction that has been bugging me these days.
He has his music thing, he has his basketball thing, he has his piano/guitar/music thing, then she has her translating thing, then she has her photography thing, then she has her blogging thing, then she has her thing with pets, then she has this thing for writing, then she has her secret life thing, then he has his photography thing too, then he has this ...
Seems like everyone has a thing, except for me. Boo hoo :(
When will I finally find something that I'm actually ... good at ... interested, at least.
Maybe there's just nothing o_o
Maybe I'm not looking hard enough >.>
Maybe ...
Meh. Who cares. Right ... ?
>.>
If only I was exceptionally brilliant or something.
But that ain't the case too.
This urge to want to stand out in the crowd ... it's there.
And no body-size related jokes please.
Doesn't mean when I don't get offended by those,
You could go overboard with it.
And the media and worldly-views of a lot of stuff is getting to me ...
And that day there was this morbid curiosity that struck me ...
Hmmmm ....
... maybe some other time ...
Getting emo in 4, 3, 2 ...
LOL.
Yeah, it's this uncertainty and lack of direction that has been bugging me these days.
He has his music thing, he has his basketball thing, he has his piano/guitar/music thing, then she has her translating thing, then she has her photography thing, then she has her blogging thing, then she has her thing with pets, then she has this thing for writing, then she has her secret life thing, then he has his photography thing too, then he has this ...
Seems like everyone has a thing, except for me. Boo hoo :(
When will I finally find something that I'm actually ... good at ... interested, at least.
Maybe there's just nothing o_o
Maybe I'm not looking hard enough >.>
Maybe ...
Meh. Who cares. Right ... ?
>.>
If only I was exceptionally brilliant or something.
But that ain't the case too.
This urge to want to stand out in the crowd ... it's there.
And no body-size related jokes please.
Doesn't mean when I don't get offended by those,
You could go overboard with it.
And the media and worldly-views of a lot of stuff is getting to me ...
And that day there was this morbid curiosity that struck me ...
Hmmmm ....
-Kritz
June 25, 2010
Of sucky results and an inevitable farewell.
Results!
Bad.
Let me see ...
A+ for Mathematics, Additional Mathematics and English.
A for Moral, History and Physics.
A- for Mandarin and Malay.
B+ for Chemistry and Biology.
Was REALLY happy to score 97 for Additional Mathematics,
Like seriously,
Happier than winning 2 rounds of zone-level debates!
Especially when paper 2 was set by Pn. Tan herself.
REALLY happy to score 72 for Mandarin too!
My very first A- for Mandarin for SPM level!
The teacher even thought I had the essay question before the exam,
Because it seemed too good to be true.
Kinda insulting but, nevertheless, :D
Then again, my traditional Chinese part sucked.
Chemistry and Biology sucked,
Especially the essay parts.
Guess I'll have to ... ... you know ...
Lost quite a lot of marks for the Novel and writing section for BM, :(
Doesn't seem that bad,
But kinda bad when compared to other classmates.
Not that I'm being competitive,
But their results are used as a reference.
Especially when people are getting 10~20 marks more than yours for a single paper >.<
Oh well,
What's done is done.
Next?
Pn. Tan left our school,
Our (5 Alfa) Mathematics and Additional Mathematics teacher.
One of the best teacher I've ever had in my schooling life,
Not just her effective teaching method,
Her way of explaining things,
But also the personal advice she gives,
The times where she joked with us students.
It was such an emotional scene when the girls started crying,
And all the hugging,
Even I was sniffing,
On the brink of tearing.
I believe it's as hard for her as it is for us,
Probably even worse.
We've only been under her teaching for ... a year and a half?
Whereas she's been in this school for over 10 years ...
But one's capability shouldn't be limited,
For a person that could teach so much more ...
If there was an article written about what a teacher should be,
Or an essay about their most respected teacher,
Or an inspiration to be a teacher to educate the future generations,
I believe she'd be one used as reference,
Pn. Tan Kim Leng,
Our beloved teacher :D
All the best in her endeavours,
As a matriculation lecturer :)
Bad.
Let me see ...
A+ for Mathematics, Additional Mathematics and English.
A for Moral, History and Physics.
A- for Mandarin and Malay.
B+ for Chemistry and Biology.
Was REALLY happy to score 97 for Additional Mathematics,
Like seriously,
Happier than winning 2 rounds of zone-level debates!
Especially when paper 2 was set by Pn. Tan herself.
REALLY happy to score 72 for Mandarin too!
My very first A- for Mandarin for SPM level!
The teacher even thought I had the essay question before the exam,
Because it seemed too good to be true.
Kinda insulting but, nevertheless, :D
Then again, my traditional Chinese part sucked.
Chemistry and Biology sucked,
Especially the essay parts.
Guess I'll have to ... ... you know ...
Lost quite a lot of marks for the Novel and writing section for BM, :(
Doesn't seem that bad,
But kinda bad when compared to other classmates.
Not that I'm being competitive,
But their results are used as a reference.
Especially when people are getting 10~20 marks more than yours for a single paper >.<
Oh well,
What's done is done.
Next?
* * *
Pn. Tan left our school,
Our (5 Alfa) Mathematics and Additional Mathematics teacher.
One of the best teacher I've ever had in my schooling life,
Not just her effective teaching method,
Her way of explaining things,
But also the personal advice she gives,
The times where she joked with us students.
It was such an emotional scene when the girls started crying,
And all the hugging,
Even I was sniffing,
On the brink of tearing.
I believe it's as hard for her as it is for us,
Probably even worse.
We've only been under her teaching for ... a year and a half?
Whereas she's been in this school for over 10 years ...
But one's capability shouldn't be limited,
For a person that could teach so much more ...
If there was an article written about what a teacher should be,
Or an essay about their most respected teacher,
Or an inspiration to be a teacher to educate the future generations,
I believe she'd be one used as reference,
Pn. Tan Kim Leng,
Our beloved teacher :D
All the best in her endeavours,
As a matriculation lecturer :)
-Kritz
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