Growing Up

I woke up today with the strongest feeling of homesickness ever. I never knew I could feel homesick. I felt absolutely fine the very first time I left for the UK. Felt like whatsapping my parents (yes, we have a group) that I miss them, but then again I don't want to make them worry or cause them unnecessary sadness ...

The thought of having to leave my parents, grow up and be an adult scares me. Evidently, I'm not going through this transitional phase well at all. I have one more year till I graduate. Everyone has been telling me to stay in the UK and not go back to Malaysia, but I don't think I'll ever feel like I fit in here. I guess most people just don't care about these things, but I somehow can't. It just doesn't feel right.

For some reason, my brain abhors work that requires thinking. Or maybe it's the uncertainty? I don't know. Maybe I just haven't found the one thing that excites me enough to overlook that. For now, I just want something that could make me go into autopilot and not give my brain the chance to develop all these reasons to be depressed.

Or maybe I am depressed?

Was playing Vice City for the past few days. It was sweet, sweet escapism. Is that why adults spend their free time watching TV shows? Is that what I'll eventually be? An adult that works for the sake of survival and spends every other waking moment numbing the dull pain by consuming entertainment?

I guess I don't really have a problem with that. Never wanted to be rich and successful anyway, just wanted to be well-to-do enough and have enough free time to spend rolling around in bed and just browsing the internet for laughs and giggles. How pathetic is that? All I could think of is whether I would find spending long hours in the kitchen of the restaurant somewhat satisfying. Stupid brain.

A few people that I've met so far in my work have asked me whether am I excited for my project. I guess I was, but not really anymore. I just hate how my feelings sway back and forth. Well, put on a façade, say "yes" and hope that things will be better I guess.

Maybe I have some deep-seated issue that I have yet to face. I'm not exactly suicidal ... yet I don't understand why I do not anticipate tomorrow. Can I fast forward this excruciating phase now?

-Kritz

Breaking Bad

*crosses out watching Breaking Bad off my list of things to do during my summer break*

You know that void or empty feeling you get when you finish a good movie, TV show or a book? I have that right now, and I've been reading discussions about the show and watching interviews to fill that void. It's now hard for me to describe why I love Breaking Bad without parroting what I've been reading or watching.

I initially thought it was just a very intense show about dealing drugs and stuff, but it's a lot more than that. Everything is so complex yet not complicated. This soft-spoken high school teacher become a ruthless drug lord, and this deadbeat junkie that's always screwing things up will eventually make you root for him. It's amazing. I can't even hate on the people that go against the protagonist because they are just doing what's right ... and at some points I wish the protagonist would just die ... but then again I want to see him fulfil what he set out to achieve in the first place ... It's just this really thrilling journey you get to go on with Walter White.

I wish I have someone to talk to about it ... Should've watched it when it was on air. I can only imagine how that experience would be like, the discussions and predictions ... sigh.

-Kritz

Happy (belated) Father's Day

Anyone else notice a lot less social media posts compared to Mother's Day? Either fathers are not as good as mothers or people do not like their fathers as much. Or maybe just my circle of friends ...

Me? I love them both, albeit for different reasons, but let's focus on my dad because it is (was) Father's Day.

It's stressful to be his son at times, because there is so much to live up to! He's great with kids, respects the elderly and is generally well-liked by everyone. I'm not just talking about basic etiquette, because anyone can do that; no, he plays with kids, entertains them for hours, spends hours talking to old folk, showing sincere concern, and all with a smile on his face. I often wonder how did I turned out so cold and emotionless when my dad is such a cheerful person ... seriously though, 99% of the time, he looks happy.

Another thing about my dad is that he is probably the most understanding father I've ever seen. Fathers are generally known as the distant one in the family, the one that doesn't really care about their children's studies as long as they are scoring A's, the one that doesn't really bother trying understand why their kids disagree because "I'm your father and I'm always right". I have to often remind myself to be extremely grateful that mine is the exact opposite, and it has resulted in me having more respect for him. He might not know exactly what I'm going through, but at least he doesn't impose irrational standards on me. For some reason, he trusts me and believes that I'm mature enough to make my own decisions, even at a young age.

Did I mention that he is very selfless too? Other than the obvious fact that he saved up a huge amount of money to send me off to study in the UK, he genuinely doesn't mind tending to my many needs. Remember when you were young and you needed your parents to pick you up and drop you off, and there are times when they are just lazy and seem reluctant or they might just say that they're busy ... well, my dad doesn't do that. Instead, he shows up a smile on his face. Maybe that's just part and parcel of being a father, but the attitude he does them with makes all the difference.

I could go on and on about how perfect of a person he is, but that would take too long. Did I mention that he cooks great food too? Now you see why I say there is so much to live up to?

I can't fathom how he went through so much hardship in his early life, and still have the will not spend money on himself but use it to make sure that I live a better life.

I guess the only thing I can do now is to make him proud. My biggest worry is that he doesn't live long enough for me to repay him.


Happy Father's Day, dee. Can't wait to go eat 虾面 and 鱼头米粉 with you again!

Your only son,
Kritz

Something worth celebrating

Taking a break from studying to write this ... who am I kidding, I'm really just here because I ran out of stuff to browse and kill time when I should be studying.

1 paper down, 8 more to go.

Before that, I have to head down to London on Monday to pick up my Moroccan visa, assuming that my application hasn't been rejected. Can't wait for my exams to be over so I can fly to Morocco. Kinda excited to spend 2 nights in the desert. I can almost imagine the unpolluted night sky filled with stars ...

Can't wait to go back to Malaysia too! So many things to eat do!

But not for long, because I'll be flying back to the UK 2 months before everyone else as I'll be working as an intern! Nothing coveted like internships in banks or other firms in the financial sector, but nevertheless it's still an opportunity to work overseas! Kinda excited for that too. What if I end up working in this field after graduating? Will the higher education sector be my calling?

So many things to be excited for, but 8 papers more. Gah.

There's also that considerably significant probability that I might fail my second year and have to redo it ... i.e. going through hell again. I might go crazy. Or become clinically depressed. Or both. Tell me why did I choose this course again?

Anyway, the midnight caffeine boost should be kicking in soon. Better get some studying done I guess :/

-Kritz

Happy Mother's Day

I am not a fan of sharing personal things on social media (mainly Facebook), but I do not want my mom to feel left out because she sees all these Mother's Day posts but not receive one of her own. So here's mine.

Happy Mother's Day, mee.

I guess you have always been more like a sister to me than a mom, and I'm pretty sure you wouldn't mind looking like you could be my sister. I guess you could say that our mother-son relationship is unique; although I can be rude at times and 'bo dua bo soi', but it's what makes our relationship special, right? You have to agree that you can be irrational at times too!

I remember you always trying to squeeze into my tiny bed when I'm trying to sleep and end up talking until 2 or 3 in the morning. I still remember that one time we went to Genting Highlands and spent the whole night talking until it was time for breakfast! That conversation always made me wonder what it would be like to know you as a friend than to know you as my mom.

I miss going out for dinners, just the two of us, driving around in circles looking for a nice place to eat. It has been a long time since we could do that together, and I don't know how many more of these dinners we could have in the future because there is no definite way to tell what the future holds, but I do hope that there are many, many more.

Since I came to study in the UK, I realise that I've always taken the work you do at home for granted. I can now see how lazy I was then, since I didn't have to cook or clean or do any house chores for that matter. Despite the fact that it seems like you enjoy cleaning (hahaha), I still have to be thank you for doing the laundry, cleaning the house, cooking meals (sometimes), doing the dishes, changing the bedsheets, cleaning the ceiling fans, sweeping and mopping the floors daily, ironing the clothes ... I hope you can rest assured now that I can do all these things by myself! But don't worry, I will not interfere with all these things when I go back!

I love you, mee. I wish I could give you a hug right now. I'm sorry for all the times that I've hurt your feelings. and I hope there are many more years ahead of us so we could go out for more dinners and spend more sleepless nights talking till dawn. (and you can do my laundry and clean my dishes)

Your one and only son/monkey/baby/pig,
Kritz

ps. do whatever you want to do with this lah, you can show it to whoever you want to. Happy Mother's Day :)

Something I gathered after 2 years of undergraduate studies [rant]

I realised that lectures are not my thing. I find it several times more effective to study a well-written set of lecture notes than attend countless hours of dry and dull lectures. I finally understand why some people don't bother going to lectures yet still manage to do well in exams.

Of course, the best option is to read the lecture notes before going for lectures, but that isn't an option for many modules. It's easier to study lecture notes because one can do it at their own pace. In lectures, you might not fully fathom a small but crucial part in the first 10 minutes and have to spend the next 50 minutes listening to incomprehensible jibber-jabber, or eventually, giving up and whipping out your phone.

I've tried concentrating in lectures, but sometimes it really doesn't work, which led me to come to the conclusion that lectures aren't the optimal way for ME to study. (note the emphasis on ME)

Why not read text books? Because no one really teaches based off a text book. What am I suppose to do when you decide to alter the notations and terminology and have materials taken from different sections of a chapter without specifying which parts are examinable? Before you get into how undergraduate learning is about exploring and studying more in depth, let me stop you there and tell you that it is not the case for the course that I'm doing. I wouldn't mind spending several hours on a topic if it meant that I had to refer to different sources and really create a personal relationship with it, but truth is, I have 10 modules from 4 separate academic departments, each with approximately 20 sections to cover, so there's no way I'm doing that. I can't be arsed. Nor is it necessary.

Now it irks me that some lecturers are hell-bent on sticking to their principles of not giving out lecture notes and expecting students to fully comprehend what they teach during lectures, offering no other options to study, making this wonderful façade of the ultimate study experience a really rigid and dull one. (Okay, I might be a little excessive here ... but hey, no one important is reading this right?). Other lecturers give notes so simplified, that it makes no sense.

Why can't they have recorded lectures? Why?! Then again I'm not too fond of that idea, since it means I'll have to listen to more than the minimum requirement of their voices. I might just go insane.

Best option would be to just GIVE ME A GOOD SET OF NOTES DAMMIT. Props to lecturers who do. I feel like I've wasted my time going for so many lecturers and learning nothing.

Disclaimer: This is just an off-the-top-of-my-head rant. Hope I don't come off as being immature and ungrateful. Even if I really am. Meh.

-Kritz

rant; thought; something else

I've been taking out the trash for my house and my neighbours' because we share the same backyard, where the bins are. Well, occasionally, they will put the bins back after being cleared the next morning. Occasionally. Maybe one out of 30 weeks, they would be the ones to take out the trash. (Well, a few times were necessary because they had guests over with bikes and it blocked the corridor leading from the backyard to the porch). So last week, most of the people in my house weren't around so no one took out the trash. Lo and behold, they took our theirs and left ours in the backyard. That's not even the worse part. Instead of moving their bin back to the backyard, they just left it in the porch and filled up ours.

Some people just do not give a damn, do they?

To summarise: neighbour doesn't take out trash. Only takes out their own when we can't do it for them.

* * *

I just don't like sharing my personal goals with other people. For some reason. Derek Sivers made a TED talk about it once, about how telling everyone your goals makes you less likely to achieve it. I don't know to what extent is that true, but I think it's something I would adhere to. It also irks me sometimes when people tell me what they are set out to achieve, again and again. I don't know why. I just think it's annoying. I guess I don't need to have a reason to think that way? Or maybe I'm just too lazy to conjure up a valid reason because ... who cares? A pet peeve, I guess. So stop telling me how you're going to do something different than me, or how you're going to make yourself more productive, or what your plan is. Ugh.

* * *

So 2 people commented on my appearance yesterday. Which was cool because I only had 2 actual social interactions (using the term here loosely) twice. Then found out about another one today through a friend. So there's that.

-Kritz