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Procrastination pt 2

I watched The Man Who Knew Infinity earlier today. I'm a sucker for biopics/dramas with a quaint British backdrop (e.g. The Imitation Game, The Theory of Everything, Mr. Holmes, Remains of the Day, Pride and Prejudice ... you get my point).

It was a movie about a mathematician by the name of Srinivasa Ramanujan.

As much as I secretly wish I was some prodigious whiz kid, I am very much aware that I am not. I admire these people for who they are, yet I do not aspire to be them. However, I do wish I could have the amount of passion they have, which I'm beginning to realise that it's probably not something that everyone has, despite popular belief.

I just can't shake the fact that what I'm doing right now just isn't particularly exciting. It's okay, but it isn't enough. Maybe I've been reading too many books and watching too many movies that romanticise this notion of having this one thing that makes it all purposeful; maybe it's just my attitude towards things that make me not feel strongly about things. Shouldn't these things be inherent and immune towards shitty attitudes that might otherwise diminish it?

I find a life where one works for the sake of survival utterly meaningless, but that's just me. I admire those that find a purpose in other things, like raising a kid or supporting a hobby, but I have yet to find that thing. While I'm not suicidal, I'm kinda miserable. Occupying my time by working and socialising only temporarily makes me forget such feelings.

I've been working for 5 months now, and I'm grateful that it is probably one of the better jobs that I could've gotten as a fresh grad, also I have no financial worries, but it's just so ... meh. Don't get me wrong, the job is still very much challenging, but something seems to be missing.

This is going no where. I should just go to bed.

Just checking in

Gotta keep my streak of posting monthly.

Also, procrastination is always fun.

Speaking of procrastination, there's a pretty neat video on that topic on a YouTube channel called The School of Life.

I feel like this procrastination is eating into my free time and subsequently my general well-being. Working on normal business-as-usual stuff is fine because that's done when it's done; working on certain projects akin to school assignments can be quite draining for me. But it's the latter stuff that's "value-adding" and would lead to better things.

It irks me that some people give so much credit to "value-adding" stuff. I guess I've always been the guy that plays the supportive rolethough to be fair, I guess I've never been in much team activities—and have never really aspired to become the lead singer of the band. Is that so bad?

I don't want to be the most successful guy in the room, I just want to be happy with my own achievements.

Gah, I don't really know what I'm talking about here. My mind is not in the right place.

"So no one told you life was gonna be this way"

Riding the wave

Just waiting for the fog to clear.

So my boss is leaving and she's handing over the client that she has been handling for the past three years to me.

Let me repeat.

My boss, of 3 ranks higher than me, with 8 years or so of working experience, is handling her client, of which she has been solely dealing with for 3 years, to me, a fresh graduate who hasn't even passed his probation ... 

It's not that I'm particularly capable or anything. It's just that there's no one else ... 

We'll see, I guess. 

Side tracked

On Saturday morning, I wanted to write a post on how it has been 3 months since I've started working and that I should be trying harder to pick up more stuff.

Before I knew it, I blew through the weekend and now it's Sunday night. The karaoke session was long overdue, but now I need another.

I've been baking every weekend for the past few weeks. 

I've also picked up a new exercise and have been doing it for about a month I believe.

Figuring out the best way to get points using my credit card (for expenditure that I would've otherwise used cash for anyway) is sorta my new hobby too.

Apparently there's gonna be pizza at work tomorrow.

Piss off

NB title says 'piss off' as in the command, not the state of being mad, i.e. 'pissed off'.

So a few days ago my dad invited his friend over for dinner. He then asked me to help him out with some PowerPoint stuff. Sure, I said. What better way to spend my time after work doing something that I do on a day-to-day basis during work? Of course, I didn't felt that way then, but rather in hindsight. I'll get to that in a minute.

I then spent an hour or so fixing his deck (work-jargon for PowerPoint slides), making sure everything was aligned and all the font sizes were the same. He had a few requests here and there, but it wasn't too much of a hassle. Regardless, it still took some time.

Before he left, he exchanged numbers with me because he didn't want to trouble my dad too much if he had to contact me. Uh, sure, okay.

So he went back, and unsurprisingly his desktop couldn't play the videos he embeded on his deck. Well he was the one that wanted the videos to be able to display thumbnails, so it had to be the latest PowerPoint version. He then asked me to go over to his place to check out his computer over the weekend because he insisted that his desktop was running Windows 10 or whatever.

Sigh. Okay.

Saturday came along. I wanted to get a haircut, but since he told me he'd be coming over to pick me up at about 11am, I decided to get it later in the day. It was 11.30am, still no news from him. Dad whatsapped him, no response. Then my dad called, and turns out he was in Klang.

You think I very free is it? Wtf man. Just because you're 37 years older than me, doesn't give you the right to just ignore whatever plans you've made.

About half an hour ago (6 hours after that phone call), he called and asked if I was free tomorrow.


Not tomorrow.


Self-esteem issues

So a friend of mine told me that her friend met me once at some assessment centre and apparently I left a strong impression. He was telling her something along the lines of how he thought I'd definitely get the job, from how I carried myself and what not.

I had zero recollection of meeting him. At all.

I asked for a name and pictures. I was pretty certain that he wasn't in my group (the 8 of us were split into 2 groups) and hence concluded that I would have only met him for a brief period of 5 minutes. I only remember being 20 minutes late for the assessment centre (thanks to public transport) and met with members of the other group for a brief moment. I just sat my ass down and started asking where everyone else was from.

I immediately thought he just made everything up, but it didn't make sense because no one does that and my friend was pretty close with him. I couldn't make any sense out of it.

Today, another friend of mine (which is also a friend of my aforementioned friend, which happened to be there as well) said she had this mutual friend who would always tell her how he and I were classmates. I was a little surprised that he would bring that up because we were only close back when I was 7, 8 and 9. We pretty much lost contact after.

The aforementioned friend then commented on how people always wanted to be associated with me but I seem as if I couldn't be bothered.

It's funny, because it's really flattering, but it's a result of low self-esteem. It would be a nightmare to me if I hyped up my association with someone only to find out that the other person doesn't feel the same, like calling someone a best friend when the other person doesn't reciprocate. This then manifested itself into a defense mechanism to prevent myself from putting so much value in a particular relationship, unless the other person very overtly does the same.

Started thinking about it and suddenly other occurrences start to pop up in my head. I remember chatting with the guy that sat next to me during my graduation ceremony as if we were friends for some time, when in reality we really just talked a little back in Year 1. There was also this dude from Hong Kong that I was talking to when we were collecting our graduation robes. He remembered that I could understand Cantonese because I watched a lot of Hong Kong drama series, which I told him during the only conversation we had about 2-3 years ago.

I'm not sure what exactly to make out of this. I guess I'll just remind myself that I'm capable of leaving an impression.

The Bucket/Wish List *updated*

Thought I'd started listing down stuff here that I may or may not update in the future.

Bucket List

  • Stay at Belmond Le Manoir aux Quat'Saisons and dine at Raymond Blanc's restaurant
  • Visit some of David Chang's many restaurants in NYC
  • Visit one of Gordon Ramsay's Michelin-starred restaurants
  • Have super high-end sushi (Jiro, anyone?) in Japan
  • Watch Hamilton on Broadway
  • Watch Ramin Karimloo perform Phantom or Val Jean
  • Watch Jacky Cheung live
Hmm, there's some common theme to this ... 

Wish List
  • Get a copy of The Food Lab. Just waiting for the right opportunity, really.
  • Get a desktop. Now that I've settled back home, why not?
  • Ergonomic swivel chair, solid work desk, all that.
  • Kitchen Aid mixer, but I haven't been baking much
  • Le Creuset stuff, but I haven't been cooking much
  • A deep fryer since I can't afford a Le Creuset pot ...
  • A pair of open back headphones, hmm
Welp, gotta start making more money.