August 5, 2014

Growing Up

I woke up today with the strongest feeling of homesickness ever. I never knew I could feel homesick. I felt absolutely fine the very first time I left for the UK. Felt like whatsapping my parents (yes, we have a group) that I miss them, but then again I don't want to make them worry or cause them unnecessary sadness ...

The thought of having to leave my parents, grow up and be an adult scares me. Evidently, I'm not going through this transitional phase well at all. I have one more year till I graduate. Everyone has been telling me to stay in the UK and not go back to Malaysia, but I don't think I'll ever feel like I fit in here. I guess most people just don't care about these things, but I somehow can't. It just doesn't feel right.

For some reason, my brain abhors work that requires thinking. Or maybe it's the uncertainty? I don't know. Maybe I just haven't found the one thing that excites me enough to overlook that. For now, I just want something that could make me go into autopilot and not give my brain the chance to develop all these reasons to be depressed.

Or maybe I am depressed?

Was playing Vice City for the past few days. It was sweet, sweet escapism. Is that why adults spend their free time watching TV shows? Is that what I'll eventually be? An adult that works for the sake of survival and spends every other waking moment numbing the dull pain by consuming entertainment?

I guess I don't really have a problem with that. Never wanted to be rich and successful anyway, just wanted to be well-to-do enough and have enough free time to spend rolling around in bed and just browsing the internet for laughs and giggles. How pathetic is that? All I could think of is whether I would find spending long hours in the kitchen of the restaurant somewhat satisfying. Stupid brain.

A few people that I've met so far in my work have asked me whether am I excited for my project. I guess I was, but not really anymore. I just hate how my feelings sway back and forth. Well, put on a fa├žade, say "yes" and hope that things will be better I guess.

Maybe I have some deep-seated issue that I have yet to face. I'm not exactly suicidal ... yet I don't understand why I do not anticipate tomorrow. Can I fast forward this excruciating phase now?
-Kritz