June 4, 2015

Coming to terms

Day 9 of my 10-day break between my previous paper and the LAST PAPER OF MY DEGREE. So what have I been up to for the past few days? Well, I've spent more than 80 hours playing Final Fantasy X. I wish I knew someone who shared the love I have for this masterpiece of a game that was released back in 2001. The story, the soundtrack, the characters, the whole Spira/Zanarkand universe is just amazing, to me at least.

Immersing myself into the game has helped me to temporarily forget about all the things I should be thinking of, which is great in a way, but really I should be solving them instead. Escapism at its finest, I guess. Thanks to the days I've spent having nothing on my mind other than the game, I am now not as excited and motivated to do anything post-exams. All I want to do now is just sulk. Time to get my mood back in line.

I wish I had the brains to do the 4-year version of my degree, at least then I would have another year to spend here. I've grown so accustomed to this way of living here that I dread thought of having to return to my home country. Don't get me wrong, it's not that one is more superior than the other, but things are different. Maybe it's just because I have been home for such a long time that I don't remember how great it can be.

Last night, I chilled out listening to the first act of Les Mis on my headphones and lots of chills were had. Same thing happens when I listen to Phantom of the Opera. Who knew I'd be the type to enjoy musicals? Some people I know just go to musicals just because everyone who comes here to study do and they don't want to be "missing out" (just like travelling) -- which is a phenomenon which I would probably write about in a post by itself -- but I genuinely adore them, so much so that I feel sad that I would probably never be able to attend another one of these performances if I were to go back home.

I guess I've never been the type to face adversities and overcome obstacles to come out stronger. Despite having great results in pre-university education, truth is I've never really worked hard for anything. If I were to be honest to myself, I would say I'm a coward. I would read aspiring success stories and be all "there's no way I could possibly do that". Studying hard is one thing, but living in harsh conditions to tough it out while trying to make it is an entirely different story. Unless I had no options, I can't see myself willingly putting myself in such a situation. Why bother going through all that hardship if I could always fall back on a much easier way out?

Writing this post has been somewhat therapeutic. I can slowly feel the urge to do something about everything coming back to me. I honestly feel like such a loser at times. At this point in life, I can't foresee myself achieving any form of success in the future, and by success I mean reaching a point in life where I could be proud of myself, and not just in monetary terms. Hope this isn't just delusions of grandeur.

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