October post

Dear Diary,

Today's one of those days. I've been mentally keeping track of one of those "it's been x days since y" counters and now it's back to zero. Hooray.

I need to stop being so apologetic about being all woe-is-me on a platform that virtually no one reads. Yeah, you know what Diary, imma say whatever I want.

I wish I was more average, at least grades wise. I mean, what's the point of having good grades if you're not spectacular in any other way? I feel like I'm caught in between this limbo of having decent enough grades that people expect something out of me and being not special enough to stand out from the crowd. When I say people expect something, I mean at least getting a job in some big company, not necessarily a high-flying investment banker gig.

Wouldn't it be so much better to just start out small and be more pleasantly surprised when success occurs? At least in that case, being mediocre for the rest of my life doesn't seem that bad of an outcome. Why can't I just suck at school, realise I kinda have a thing for food and start working hard towards that direction? Now, I get the opportunity to be a prime example of the Chinese saying about smart kids not necessarily becoming successful adults (小时了了，大未必佳).

Screw those adults that says kids these days are picky about their jobs. If I hadn't spend a fortune on education, I probably wouldn't care. Besides, it's them who made everything so bloody expensive these days. I don't even know why do I care, I'm not even looking for a job yet.

I'm honestly sick of being so depressed at times. It's not as if I could help it. Do you think I would choose to feel this way if I had a choice? Is that why depression isn't a thing and psychiatrists are essentially worthless? Is it that bad that I want to at least have a job that won't make me feel so depressed, after spending three years of periodically feeling like crap while simultaneously enjoying the freedom of living independently?

Although I would never kill myself, dying doesn't seem that bad sometimes. The highs don't feel sufficient enough to compensate for the lows.