Acceptance

Sigh.

There goes the one thing that could bring my current misery away.

HR rang me up yesterday to tell me that she has contacted several locations but couldn't find me an opening, but will keep my file open in case anything pops up.

Despite the approval, it's still depressing to know that I have to continue my search, to know that I aced my grueling interview for no reason, to have to go through everything all over again.

I realised deep down, the reason I want so badly to get a good graduate job is because I want something to compensate for all the crap I went through during university. All the days spent force-feeding my brain knowledge I have no interest in, all the days of staying awake in extremely dull lectures, all the depressing times I've spent in my room studying for exams.

Maybe if I had enjoyed my studies a little more, then I wouldn't have such high expectations for a job. At least then I could work at a miserable job and look back on the great times I had.

This perpetual misery is taking a toll on me ...

Update (?)

Well, guess I got an update after all.

I started gaming to take my mind off things. I really abhor reliving my interviews, cringing at the things that I shouldn't have said. At the same time, I'd be impressed with some of the answers I managed to conjure up on the spot, thinking surely that'll put me in some good stead. So I've been waiting for that email or that phone call, either congratulating me or consoling me.

Who knew it'll be neither?

At about 7pm today, I received a phone call updating me on my status of my job application. From the get-go, I sort of braced myself for the worst because she didn't start the phone call by congratulating me. What she ended up saying -- or at least what I remember -- was that they couldn't offer me the post I applied for (she mentioned something about markets not being well? or was she referring to the division I was applying for?), but they were impressed with my interview (okay, to be fair, she specifically said "positive feedback"), and would like to see if they could fit me in another business area.

So I spent the next few hours trying to analyse what she just said with the little bits a pieces of words that my brain could cling on to. Pretty sure that wasn't a straight-out rejection, because why would she bother trying to keep in contact. Then again she isn't really obligated to find me a job, so I don't know what sort of an expectation should I be having. Then again, her response threw away both responses that I had in mind, so why bother with expectations anyway.

I feel like some divine being has put me on Earth to experience suffering. So now we wait.

Palpable change in mood

Dammit. I thought I could resist posting again before receiving an update on the thing that is underpinning the rise and fall of my mood, but I can't.

To avoid annoying the living hell out of everyone around me, I've decided that I should turn to this once again to let go some of the pent-up frustrations.

It's so suffocating. I just need it to be over. Will it ever be over?

I always believe that maturity comes with time, unless an event comes along that acts as a catalyst to speed up the process. I feel as if I'm always put into situations where a certain level of maturity is required to make a wise decision, but I'd be at a point where I just about fall short of that prerequisite. I feel like I'm often rushed into making decisions just because it's the norm to be making such decisions at that particular age.

Yesterday I felt fine; today, just about after lunch, I feel like crap. Why is my life full of moments where I feel like crap? The ratio seems pretty far from ideal.

It would be nice to see a therapist. For now, all I can do is to tell myself to suck it up, which is probably the last thing you should be telling someone who needs help.