Coming to terms

Day 9 of my 10-day break between my previous paper and the LAST PAPER OF MY DEGREE. So what have I been up to for the past few days? Well, I've spent more than 80 hours playing Final Fantasy X. I wish I knew someone who shared the love I have for this masterpiece of a game that was released back in 2001. The story, the soundtrack, the characters, the whole Spira/Zanarkand universe is just amazing, to me at least.

Immersing myself into the game has helped me to temporarily forget about all the things I should be thinking of, which is great in a way, but really I should be solving them instead. Escapism at its finest, I guess. Thanks to the days I've spent having nothing on my mind other than the game, I am now not as excited and motivated to do anything post-exams. All I want to do now is just sulk. Time to get my mood back in line.

I wish I had the brains to do the 4-year version of my degree, at least then I would have another year to spend here. I've grown so accustomed to this way of living here that I dread thought of having to return to my home country. Don't get me wrong, it's not that one is more superior than the other, but things are different. Maybe it's just because I have been home for such a long time that I don't remember how great it can be.

Last night, I chilled out listening to the first act of Les Mis on my headphones and lots of chills were had. Same thing happens when I listen to Phantom of the Opera. Who knew I'd be the type to enjoy musicals? Some people I know just go to musicals just because everyone who comes here to study do and they don't want to be "missing out" (just like travelling) -- which is a phenomenon which I would probably write about in a post by itself -- but I genuinely adore them, so much so that I feel sad that I would probably never be able to attend another one of these performances if I were to go back home.

I guess I've never been the type to face adversities and overcome obstacles to come out stronger. Despite having great results in pre-university education, truth is I've never really worked hard for anything. If I were to be honest to myself, I would say I'm a coward. I would read aspiring success stories and be all "there's no way I could possibly do that". Studying hard is one thing, but living in harsh conditions to tough it out while trying to make it is an entirely different story. Unless I had no options, I can't see myself willingly putting myself in such a situation. Why bother going through all that hardship if I could always fall back on a much easier way out?

Writing this post has been somewhat therapeutic. I can slowly feel the urge to do something about everything coming back to me. I honestly feel like such a loser at times. At this point in life, I can't foresee myself achieving any form of success in the future, and by success I mean reaching a point in life where I could be proud of myself, and not just in monetary terms. Hope this isn't just delusions of grandeur.

-Kritz

Last stretch

2 more papers to go! Spent 2 hours this morning in the exam hall regurgitating all the knowledge that I accumulated for the past few days. Now I'm too lazy tired to study right now and I can't think of any other way to procrastinate, and thus, I'm here. I actually ran out of entertaining things to do that even procrastinating becomes a bore. Sigh.

The paper on Tuesday would be one of the more challenging papers I have, and I should really put in my all in the next 3 days since it's the last ever paper that I'll be cramming for. Well there's also the very last paper, but that's pretty doable in comparison.

Don't know why part of me still has that little hope of getting a first class for my degree, when in reality it's very, very unlikely. Hoping some miracle would happen and I would somehow, miraculously achieve the bare minimum for a first, hah.

I should probably start throwing out stuff that I won't be keeping after my paper next Tuesday, since I'll be spending a lot of time travelling around. Did I mention that on top of Krakow, Rome, Naples and Istanbul, I'll be visiting Slovenia too?

As much as I want to stay put, I don't see how is it possible now that I've filled up all the free time that could be spent job hunting on travelling instead. I guess I don't want it bad enough. As much as I admire chefs that work their asses off at the very beginning of their careers, barely affording to survive, I guess I'm not tough enough to be that kind of a person.

I guess I should just head back home and figure out my next step then.

Can't wait to replay Final Fantasy X for the third time. Words can't describe how amazing that game is to me.

I'm bored, gah.

-Kritz

Happy Mother's Day?

My previous post could not have been posted at a worse time. I can't say that I was surprised to see a comment from her on that post, since it is Mother's Day and I did write a post dedicated to her last year.

If I hurt your feelings, mom, then I'm apologise. But what's said has been said, and I do not feel the need to take my words back. In fact, I'm kind of glad that you guys read it anyway.

It's hard to feel anything on the day where we all learn what everyone's mom look like thanks to Facebook. I've been away from home for far too long. Instead of making a lovely brunch for my mother, or treating her to a fancy dinner, I had to study for exams which start tomorrow (which is also what I should be doing right now), 10,000km away from home.

Despite technological progress and the existence of Skype and Whatsapp, nothing could really come close to actually talking face-to-face.

I'm also guilty for not knowing how to reciprocate affectionate messages from my mom. I just hope you know that I love you and I can't wait for us to spend some long overdue time together.

-Kritz

I want out

Well, plan A failed. I still wanna stay here, or anywhere around here really, or maybe just away from home, but having no specific skillset to offer is kinda hindering my prospects. The thought of going home seems to be less and less appealing as the days draw nearer and nearer to the inevitable.

For some reason, the brief Skype session with my parents today irked me a lot. It usually doesn't. It usually makes me miss them a little. They seem to be on top of their game today at getting on my nerves.

At the risk of sounding like an angsty teenager, they really do not understand anything regarding my current being. Not that I expect them to, but it's just annoying when anything I say pretty much just falls on deaf ears. I don't even know why I initiated that Skype session.

No mom, getting 95% for my exam is not feasible, at all. Anything more than a 70% is a first class and it's more than enough. This isn't high school. Heck, most people don't even score 95% for anything at any age.

No mom, I don't want to go to church. I don't want to go to church here, I don't want to go to church when I go back home either. How many times do I have to repeat that? I don't recall being Hozier and singing for someone to take me to church.

No dad, despite dropping and taking different modules, none of my modules are anywhere near easy or "a piece of cake". Did you see that stack of material I have to understand by heart to do well for my papers? Do you think this is some walk in the park?

Yes dad, I know hitting the gym lifting weights would improve my appearance, but I really can't be arsed right now and bringing that up every now and then serves no bloody purpose other than to irritate me. Where were you before I left home and lost 40 kilos anyway?

I should've just let them travel with a tour group. That would've saved me a lot of time and from feeling unappreciated for putting so much thought and consideration into trying to provide a great experience.

And no, providing such a good opportunity to study overseas doesn't cancel out my rights to be irritated by irritating behaviour. I'm grateful, but still human.

-Kritz

Opportunity of a lifetime

I am now this close to getting a job in one of the Big 4's in the UK. On Tuesday, I'll be attending the assessment centre, i.e. the 5th stage of the application process, which could either be the penultimate stage or the final stage itself.

The thought of having the next 3 years of my life decided by the outcome of this assessment centre is eating me up. Last Thursday, while procrastinating, I saw a tweet advertising several openings they still had for graduates. I then went on to fill in the application form, do the situational judgment test and the technical assessment. The very next day, I got an email saying that I was through to the 4th stage, the competency-based phone interview.

Already then I was starting to picture the next three years of my life living in a place with four seasons, which I don't really mind, instead of the hot and humid that I've yet to be accustomed to despite spending having spent 20 years toughening my skin up. The desire to get this position then amplified itself by tenfold an hour after the 45-minute phone interview, when I received another email congratulating me on getting through to the next stage.

If only wanting it so bad could somehow be one of the assessed criteria, then I'd have a better chance. I guess that would equate to doing an immense amount of research and proving to them that I really want it.

I've had jobs before. I'd like to believe that I'm competent enough to get this job.

I cannot even imagine how depressed I'll be if I fail to get this.

-Kritz

Ending it all

A girl that lived right opposite my friend's room on campus committed suicide recently. Although I've never even seen this girl before, it's still scary to know that someone that's one mutual friend away decided to end her misery in the most extreme way possible.

Apparently she hated law school, and coupled with family issues she decided that she's had enough when spending her Easter break at home. My friend said no one in that flat likes to hang around much now, especially with the flowers in front of her room, her stuff in the kitchen, a constant reminder of the tragic incident.

My friend also told me that one of her closest friends recently had a huge argument with her before they separated to go home for the break. Now he has been seen just sitting there, staring at the door of the room that his friend once occupied.

I can't help but feel slightly affected by all this, even though I've never stepped foot in his flat, or even seen any of the people involved. I cannot possibly imagine being in a state of mind that would warrant such a drastic measure. I cannot imagine the gaping void left behind, like a crack in the seabed that sucks in large amounts of water and violently thrusts it back out.

It's just depressing to know that someone could be so let down by everything that they would even consider suicide.

-Kritz

Next steps

It just occurred to me how stark the difference was between a recent interview for a graduate job position and the interview I had last year for my summer internship.

For my previous internship, the three panelists seemed eager to talk to me. It was a great experience for me too because I genuinely cared about what the internship entailed (well, a little) and was able to voice my thoughts on what could be done for the project. I left that interview feeling positive and thought of how sad I would be if I wasn't offered that internship.

For the graduate job position, it wasn't anywhere near. There wasn't much of a connection. I felt as if I wasn't really suited for them and they probably felt the same about me too. I would probably get over the likely rejection pretty quick, or at least I hope I would.

I wonder what would I be doing a few months from now. Don't think my near future has ever had this much uncertainty. For the past 20 years or so, it was pretty much just moving from one stage of education to another. This really is the end of an era. It's exciting and daunting at the same time. I'm not worried, or at least not yet, but it's like the next chapter of a book that I can't wait to start. So much so, I just feel like rushing through the end of this one.

Everyone's ahead of the game, having their post-graduation plans all figured out. Well, good for them. I just want some time to do some soul-searching -- and by that I mean looking into career choices and not sitting on my arse all day -- and hopefully make the right choices.

I guess I've always been an instinctive person, and my instincts are telling me not to rush into things. Wouldn't it be funny if they offered me the job and I took it anyway?

-Kritz