Finally ...

Been gone since last Saturday,
Came back for a few minutes and internet went dead again.

I don't think I should waste time here.
In the meantime,
You can read the posts that I've written on notepad while waiting for my internet access to come back.

* * *

Sigh.
As I'm typing this on my notepad,
Awaiting for my beloved Internet access to come back,
Wondering when can I move all this into my blog.

As the tears flow ...

PMR.
I guess I should mention it more often because it's quite a big thing,
Well,
Not exactly my whole world,
But something very very important for a Malaysian 15-year-old.

Most don't care,
But some really put effort into it.
I'm neither,
I seem to care about it but I'm not really putting my best efforts.

4 more days,
Should be better off making my last preparations,
Or saying my last words before it is too late.

I can say I'm quite confident,
Just quite.
But not really.
I don't think I'll be able to accept the fact if I really don't score straight A's.
Even though my parents don't really pressurise me,
But ... I just feel like I'm suppose to.
With those 'expectations' from
Teachers,
Parents,
Friends,
Relatives,
Random people.
Great, pressurising myself.
But no worries,
Not suicidal :D, yet!

How I wish those who say PMR is easy really meant it,
And not just a word of comfort.

So many things to blog about,
But no time,
No Internet.

So many things happen in school and I can't even blog about it.
Argh, why.
Why?
Some ... people really don't get the message.
I'm trying so hard to control my anger and my 'colourful vocabulary',
But I don't know how long can I still hold it.

I should be studying.
But I can't.
Why?

I just don't feel like it,
But since when life is about doing the things you feel like doing?
Forcing doesn't seem to work,
I'll end up yawning.
Sigh.
So what if I don't have Internet access,
I don't even study anyway.

Now,
I have my new modem,
It's Streamyx that is making me miserable.
Seems like everyone is complaining about Streamyx.
Now I can see why.
At first I thought I shouldn't be like others who just don't appreciate stuff they have,
But now ... I kinda can see them doing something ... but then again,
They might be just saying.
Who am I to judge anyway.
Just give me back my Internet please ._.

Looking into future,
After PMR,
The burden lifted up from my shoulders,
Wow.
How I anticipate for that day to come.
Just to find out that I'll have more things to worry about.

Looking a little further,
Into the year end holidays.
I really really should do something.
I know,
I keep saying stuff and it always never happens.
But I still must try to make it a reality.

Important thing is to improve on my English.
I don't think many understand why am I so desperate to improve my English,
Because they keep saying that mine is good.
Good enough for Malaysian standards that is.
Still so, so, so far away from perfection,
Far away from other countries' education standards.

Oh ya,
And mathematics.
I may seem like a jerk by saying this,
But that is what I really feel.
The only time that I'll feel satisfied about my mathematics,
Is when I get recognition by standing out in some competition.
Yeah,
I know.
Hard.

Christianity is another thing that is bugging me.
Some things ... are ... so ...
I don't know.
Everything seems so ... not in place.

Speaking about not in place,
I feel that I'm not suppose to stay in my current school.

Argh.
Argh.

This can go on, and on, and on.

Adding another thing on my list,
Is to put more effort into blogging.
Since this is the only hobby that I have clinged on for so long,
Might as well make the best out of it.

Instead of blogging without an aim,
Writing posts that are so jumbled up,
Might as well try to improve.

I'll be an adult someday,
Reading all my old posts,
Laughing at how childish I use to be.

Did I mention that blasting music makes me feel better?

* * *

Blogging once again on notepad.
Seems like a journal of a person stranded on a remote and inhabited island.

Today,
There was a Majlis Restu.
It's like receiving blessings from our teachers before facing our major exams.
But it definitely didn't seem like one.

1 hour and 13 minutes of speech from our headmistress,
Followed by some other ceremonies.

Teacher even briefed us about some do's and don't's during PMR.

After that,
Those participants that are going to sit for their exams in the hall have to arrange the tables.
Soon after,
Teachers were giving out some stationary and giving out our slips.

I never thought that day would come that soon.
Not that I'm regretting or anything,
But everything just seems so ... peaceful?

Everyone that were sitting in that hall were all going to sit for PMR,
Seemed like we were going to fight in a war.

As teacher gave out pencils, pens, erasers and our PMR slip,
Personally saying good luck to every student,
I felt ... like I should not disappoint them.

For once ... I think I felt warmth,
Those between students and teachers.

This is weird.
Seriously sounds like something a lost person would write down.

Meeting friends for the one last time before PMR,
Hoping that they would do their best.
Even though not said,
But definitely true.

***

After school,
After lunch,
After going home,
Friend called and asked me to go out.
Went there and her bus came,
Walked back home in heavy rain.

***

Blake came over,
Helped him a little in maths.
Received some random message from some stranger.
Decided to ignore.

***

Not studying yet,
Hoping that I will tomorrow.
Since us PMR participants are off for the day (:

I hope I'll get back home some day I'll be able to go online by then.

* * *

Good riddance,
My internet is still not working.
Sigh.

The big day is tomorrow,
I can't wait for all this to end.

But still,
I don't feel like studying for tomorrow.

For your information,
It's Malay Language tomorrow.

Let me check,
PMR slip,
Pens, pencils, erasers, rulers,
Identification card,
What else ...

So not in the mood to study for BM.
Maybe I should continue studying for History ...

Sigh.
Should've just stayed in church for youth,
Since I didn't make much progress at home.

Sigh.

Sigh.

* * *

1st day of PMR.
Wow.

Islamic prayer lead by the uztad,
While others pray in their own ways.

Shaked hands with many,
Wishing them good luck,
Felt quite ... nice.

Went in,
Poured out everything we had studied for 3 years.

Sigh.
1st day gone.
Malay paper done.
4 more days.

Next up :
English and Science.

Still wondering when will Streamyx work their magic.
Sigh.

Did I mention about the nightmares I had last night?
Wow,
I hate nightmares.
Dreamt about PMR,
Dreamt about papers that I have no idea what was it about,
Dreamt about taking the wrong paper,
(Those who took the wrong paper might get quarantined from the outside world,
Wasn't afraid but seemed kinda cool)
Even dreamt about going online.

Did I mention every night I dreamt about going online?
Kinda amazed that I could survive so long without internet ...

* * *

Nightmares. Urgh.
I can't believe I pressurised myself so much to this extent.

I dreamt about the sudden change of subjects,
Suddenly history was changed to Tuesday instead of Wednesday.

I dreamt about maths,
The subject which I had most confidence in.
Suddenly teacher told us that this year's maths is super hard,
Even included add maths in it.

I dreamt about asking around,
Asking whether the add maths thing was just a dream or reality.
I know.
Sad.

Woke up several times throughout the night.
Not exactly insomnia,
But I think it's the first time.

I finally understood how it felt,
To wake up and roll around in bed,
Not able to sleep,
First time.

Sigh.

3 more days.

Long days ...

* * *

Done.
5 posts.
Will be back soon (:

-Kritz