February 14, 2009

I Feel Like Cursing.

As in,

I don't know why.

I just feel like shouting it out.

Had the official Road Run today,
Nothing much happened.
Everything was okay,
I guess.

Went back home but didn't do homework.
Feel so ... not in the mood.

I know, I know,
I know I have to force myself into doing them,
I know if I keep giving excuses like this I'll get no where,
I know if I don't learn to force myself I'll probably fail in life,
I know procrastinating cannot guarantee a better future,
I know life's like this,
I know I'm such a lazy bum.

I know.

But why are you still not doing your homework?


I wish I knew why.

How I wish I had a stack of amazing novels,
A comfy chair or contraption that helps me to read without feeling uncomfortable,
Then I could spend my whole day reading without worrying about homework.
I wish I could just play online games with a carefree spirit.

Funny, though,
I can procrastinate so much yet worry at the same time.
I thought those who push stuff till the last minute normally worries when time is running out?

*bangs head miserably against keyboard*


(Don't have to read this part if you're not a Christian, you most probably wouldn't understand what I'm going through)

Feeling very, very, very, very reluctant to go to church.
I have no idea why.
Maybe because I'm not so much of a Christian anymore,
Probably wasn't much of a Christian before.

I just hate having to have commitments,
I don't know why.

I just feel that I might as well spend my Sunday at home like other non-Christians.
I don't know why.

I always hated having to have 'something' to do with all the events and plannings,
I don't know why.

But I want to be a Christian,
Not just a Christian,
Not a nominal Christian,
But a true Christian.

Another part where I have to force myself to do something I don't like.
Till someday,
Be able to learn to make it part and parcel of my life.

I don't know how my friends be so Christian-like :
Talks about God,
Blogs about God,
Has an email address with the word God in it,
Has instant messengers with personal messages that says 'I love God' or anything similar to it,
Consistently reads the bible,
Randomly remembering bible versus that somehow managed to help them go through difficulties in life,
Quiet time especially,
Having that distinct aura that tells the people around them that he/she is a Christian.

People probably go "What? You're a Christian? I didn't know that!!"
Instead of "I guessed so, you had that distinct Christian scent",
When I tell others that I am a Christian.

I want to be a true Christian without having to have anything to do with all the above,
That sounded like a sin to me.
What I meant was being a true Christian,
But not having my whole life about God.
Wait, that's wrong too.
I'm supposed to put God first in everything,
Surrender my life to God (not now, but at some point).

Getting really confusing right now.

And every so often,
I feel so out of place when I'm in church,
And I don't know why.

Once again,
I feel like a hypocrite.

And another place that I feel out of place.
I'm actually quite happy because I finally feel 'correct' in class,
In school.
Probably because it has became a routine to me.

I don't feel as reluctant to going to school as to going to church.

Something's wrong.
I know it.

But I don't know what.

Please do not advise me to stop being a Christian.
Doesn't work that way.
Don't want it to work that way.

Advices such as,
'It's the working of the devil,
Pray for God's help'
Probably wouldn't help much either.
No point advising me about something I already know.

And there's this youth committee meeting tomorrow,
Suppose to have a proposal of the events throughout this year.



julian said...

Seems to me like you're having problems getting along with the other Christians around you, rather than any issue with Christianity itself...

Pressure to 'succeed' as a Christian seems to be that you feel you have to be like other people you see, but maybe there's another way? They may be happy with that kind of relationship with God, maybe another kind would suit you?

Just IMHO ya? I dunno anything about you or your life... Good luck and don't stress too much :)

~YM~ said...

God is not about bible..
If bible is the words of God, it must have been outdated for almost 2000 years.:P

But let it guide you when u read, let it be the dictionary in your life. You don't need to memorize the bible by heart, but to understand the essence and practice your good faith in the name of God.

Love God because you love Him, NOT because you MUST love Him. God understands you and judge us by our merits in life, not by how much we know in the bible or by how much of our declaration of love for God. But what matters most is that God loves us all.

Take a break if the church routine taxes you too much, He'll understand. Return when you're ready. God wouldn't wish his believer to be unhappy in His house. Just remember that God is always there for you in your soul searching.

Just don't get stray off into the dark side.:P

Btw, I'm an agnostic. n_n
Therefore, my words must have been the words of the devil. Anyway, I understand the meaning of the "Christian aura", been feeling it too much. It's not really Christianish, but what most of the radical Christians would do.

Kritz said...

Well. I don't feel bad around them normally, there's just those moments where you distinctively feel left out or just not a part of them. Yeah, true, my own relationship with God. Thanks for the advice, really appreciate it. :D

"Love God because you love Him, NOT because you MUST love Him."
So true! I actually like going to church, but sometimes, most of the times, I feel very reluctant to do so. If I were to take a break, people might start questioning and make everything more complicated. Thanks for the advise too :D appreciate it as much as the previous one.